Off-Topic Joke Thread

New virus testing by mail !!
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3 ladies were playing the 4th hole on their Fla golf course when a naked man wearing a bag over his head, came out of the woods and ran across the green.
The ladies looked and were shocked at the size of his manhood.
The first lady said "well it definitely isn't my husband"
Second lady says "he for sure is not my husband"
Third lady takes a long look and says 'he's not even a member of this club"
 
Kevin had shingles. Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
 
A wise old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered "Definitely Parkinson's. It's better to spill half an ounce of Scotch than to forget where you keep the bottle!!
 
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
 
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."
 
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and as sharp as a tack; 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Frank, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?

"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says Frank. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandfather's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, no, he couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?
 
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and as sharp as a tack; 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Frank, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?

"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says Frank. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandfather's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, no, he couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?

Go back and argue with Wong, your jokes waste too much of my valuable time.
 
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