Off-Topic Joke Thread

[Elwood]

Twerking therapy!

 

[seabreeze]

I once had a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, he chewed it a lot.
Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for 11 minutes.
Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go around for 24 hrs, so they decided to call it a day.

Why does fridge have a "D" and refrigerator doesn't?
Is the "S" or "C" in scent silent?

Why are Zoe and Zoey pronounced the same, but Joe and Joey aren't?

The fact that Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently bothers me way more than it should.

 

[twisted-hippie]

 

[vongrimmenstein]

Being retired & with to much time on my hands, I want to find a comfortable Lazy Boy Recliner to sit on & place it near the front door with a large sign stating a one time purchase item, special purchase & price, supplies while they last, next to the full skid. This way I can monitor how many idiots, male or female, will truly show how much common sense they actually possess. 5 bucks says there out of stock before the close of the day. Hells bells, I would buy one just to park the jug in the house so my neighbors could comment on it. Now where can I find a retailer? von.

 

[seabreeze]

This blinker fluid actually works.
Make sure you don't get left and right reversed, we used it in all our trucks.
Wong did a survey and found you make 15% more left turns than right turns, (I think)

 

[vongrimmenstein]

This blinker fluid actually works.
Make sure you don't get left and right reversed, we used it in all our trucks.
Wong did a survey and found you make 15% more left turns than right turns, (I think)

Are you saying you need to buy 2 gallons, 1 for each side? von.

 

[vongrimmenstein]

This blinker fluid is getting out of 'hand'. I might have to revert back to hand signals. von.

 

[Triplex]

This blinker fluid actually works.
Make sure you don't get left and right reversed, we used it in all our trucks.
Wong did a survey and found you make 15% more left turns than right turns, (I think)

The effectiveness of its use is fluid right now. More testing is needed.

 

[seabreeze]

Are you saying you need to buy 2 gallons, 1 for each side? von.

If in heavy traffic, this would be a yes!

 

[vongrimmenstein]

If in heavy traffic, this would be a yes!

Ya know, the next time I am down & in the dumps, I will think of the many posts about 'Blikker Fluid" & instantly become happy. And it will save me 300 an hour for my shrink, I mean life coach. This Board can be very therapeutic to someone having a bad day in retirement. von.

 

[vongrimmenstein]

Hey Seabreeze, does this fluid work with the 4 ways? Or is there a specific viscosity needed for the flashers? von.

 

[mud]

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No, they spread.

 

[seabreeze]

Hey Seabreeze, does this fluid work with the 4 ways? Or is there a specific viscosity needed for the flashers? von.

I use synthetic.

 

[seabreeze]

Ya know, the next time I am down & in the dumps, I will think of the many posts about 'Blikker Fluid" & instantly become happy. And it will save me 300 an hour for my shrink, I mean life coach. This Board can be very therapeutic to someone having a bad day in retirement. von.

You're doing something wrong, you shouldn't have a bad retirement day.
Just kidding, we all have those days.
I was once having a lousy day, a little voice came to me out of the blue and said, "cheer up son, things could be worse, so I cheered up, sure enough, things got worse".

 

[seabreeze]

I found $20 in the parking lot, I asked "what would Jesus do?"
I turned it into wine.

How much should one spend on a bottle of wine? maybe about 1/2 hr?

Does anyone know if there are special looting hours for seniors?

If you're refusing to wear a mask, due to your brain not getting enough oxygen, I think that ship has already sailed.

 

[twisted-hippie]

 

[seabreeze]

Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it most never use it.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with.
She said yes, all the others had been nine or tens.
My kids laugh because they think I'm crazy.
I laugh because they don't know it's hereditary.

 

[twisted-hippie]

 

[mud]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged

 

[Wrench97]

Honey I promise I'm only stopping for one.