Off-Topic Joke Thread

Pandemic explained
Due to my isolation, I finished 3 books yesterday,
and believe me, that's a lot of coloring.
That's nothing. Last weekend I went thru 2, yes I said 2 64 count boxes of Crayons. Now I have Carpal Tunnel. I need a reference for a good hand Doctor. Help!!!. Never mind, I finally realized I am beyond help. von.
We tried a new restaurant last night when the waitress brought my soup, she had her thumb in my soup bowl.
I said mam, do you realize you have your thumb in my soup?
She said yep, I mashed it in the door, the doctor told me to keep it in a warm place.
I said why don't you stick it up your fanny?
She said that's where I keep it when I'm not serving soup.
One thing I always enjoyed inside a Elevator at the VA... get on and punch the floor. Wait a extra minute before the thing gets moving. If the people grumble I agree with them then say its always good to the last drop.

*Silence* The problems began when they quit using manned motor cars in the J. Hopkins Hospital in about 1971 or so and switched to automatic elevators. I think sometimes even today the old Motorcar shafts if still equipped with those cabs will run just good when the automatic cars fail at some point. The problem is getting access through bricked over walls.

I sometimes had a trainee. Given a road trip to see if so and so is fit for hiring. Well... if the trainee is accepted and I'm to take same to some place to get loaded and back to yard I usually try something new on them. It goes like this...

Work the trainee with several make work minor tasks accumulated until a temper point is reached. Then gently and with great respect ask same to check the seal number against the logbook entry.

While angry trainee jumps 10 feet to the pavement and stomps back to the trailer doors telling the world what a SOB I am I had already gently released the service brakes and allowed the rig to roll back slower than stomping speed of trainee.

It takes a minute or so for trainee to come up with a realization that there is a really long damn trailer. It varies according to person. One of my favorite things to do.
Here is one more.

A trucker advanced in his years and experience finally met his Maker on the other side. He was at the Pearly Gates looking at all the wonderful large cars outfitted with apartments and every luxury to behold. Complete with servants, wheel cleaners and shop people to attend his every need.

He asked St Peter why so many of these trucks? You would think there is plenty of drivers up here if they were not already in hell.

St Peter: Because we aint had a Dispatcher yet. there is nothing to run them to. Dispatchers live a very long time.

And another...

A trucker drove to the ends of the earth for a load that paid a pittance. Since it was a holiday where nothing was open anyway he camped with several other unfortunates at the shipper. While looking for driftwood to build a cook fire, they find a container in gold. Rubbing the tarnish off it Genie shows up. Says you have three wishes.

Trucker One: I want home now, Wife is misbehaving again.
As you wish. Poof. Home.

Trucker Two: I spend all this time making all this money but cannot get home to spend it.
As you wish. Poof. Gone.

Trucker three... Garsh, Im alone and lonely. I want my new friends back.
As you wish....

Midnight showing, ‘Sick and Twisted.’
A preacher was having a baptizing in a river
when a drunk staggered out of the woods, fell into
the river and bumped into the preacher.
The preacher asked him, are you ready to find Jesus?
Yes, I am, said the man.
The preacher ducked him in the water and asked, did you find Jesus? I did not said the drunk.
The preacher dunked him a few seconds longer and pulled him up, did you find Jesus, no I didn't he said.
The preacher gets a little perturbed dunks him for about 20 seconds, pulls him up, and says, did you find Jesus?
The drunk coughs and gags, said no I didn't, are you sure this is where he fell in?
Hormel foods made their first batch of Spam in 1937.
With everyone shopping and hoarding food, they've
announced they will be making their second batch next week.
I recently bought a toilet brush,
long story short......I'm going back to toilet paper.
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