Off-Topic Joke Thread

One evening, four brothers chatted together after dinner.

They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I bought her a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers over 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the birthday celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks anyway."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre that can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama
A tent revival preacher had the crowd all intense, asked anyone with sin
stand up and confess.
A small man stands up and says, I have sinned, I stole my neighbor's chickens.
The preacher says, tell it like it is, brother, tell it like it is.
Another man stands and says, preacher, I have sinned, I coveted my neighbor's wife.
The preacher says, tell it like it is brother, tell it like it is.
From the rear, another man stands and says, preacher, I have sinned, I once had sexual relations with a goat.
The preacher clears his throat and says hmm, I don't believe I'd have told that
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Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

My wife claims I'm the cheapest person she's ever met. I'm not buying it.

A raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

I told my carpenter I didn't want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self
Wonder if cars is all they wash ? :2437:

Reminds me of the rear view of Mt. Rushmore...

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