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Off-Topic Joke Thread

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yeah," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
 
And this is why they have to put up signs for !
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There was this 100-year old man and a 95-year old woman with a heart condition in a retirement home that had a thing for each other and started a relationship. They decided that they would get married. The staff all thought that this was cute and decided to have a small ceremony on site and give them a room together for the night for their honeymoon. After the ceremony, they went to their “honey moon suite” to consummate their marriage. The old lady told her new husband, “get undressed and get in the bed while I slip into something more comfortable in the next room”. He did as instructed, and the old woman returned a few minutes later wearing a see-thru nighty. After she modeled a few minutes to get her new man excited, she got ready to crawl in bed with him and let the nighty fall to the floor. She then warned him, “before we get started, I just want you to know that you will have to be gentle as I have acute angina”. The old man said, “I certainly hope so, because you have the ugliest breasts that I have ever seen”.
 
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Steward of the Rock said:
There was this 100-year old man and a 95-year old woman with a heart condition in a retirement home that had a thing for each other and started a relationship. They decided that they would get married. The staff all thought that this was cute and decided to have a small ceremony on site and give them a room together for the night for their honeymoon. After the ceremony, they went to their “honey moon suite” to consummate their marriage. The old lady told her new husband, “get undressed and get in the bed while I slip into something more comfortable in the next room”. He did as instructed, and the old woman returned a few minutes later wearing a see-thru nighty. After she modeled a few minutes to get her new man excited, she got ready to crawl in bed with him and let the nighty fall to the floor. She then warned him, “before we get started, I just want you to know that you will have to be gentle as I have acute angina”. The old man said, “I certainly hope so, because you have the ugliest breasts that I have ever seen”.
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The 100 year old man got out of bed the next day and decided to take a stroll down the hall. He sees his favorite nurse and tells her, "My p*nis is dead!"...She doesn't know what to say to him so she just says " Oh, I'm sorry.". The next day he wakes up and walks up the hall to this same nurse.... naked.....she says "You can't do this!". He says " I told you yesterday my p*nis was dead.". She says "Yeah so.". He said, "Today is the viewing!"
 
A woman takes her old, crippled schnauzer to the vet because she thinks he is going deaf. The vet looks in the dogs ears and tells the lady, “your dog is not deaf. There is just so much hair matted up in there that he cannot hear”. The vet fills out a prescription for a powerful hair remover to use that can only be purchased by prescription thru a pharmacy. The lady stops at the pharmacy on her way home. When the pharmacist brings her the medicine, he gives her the instructions for it’s use. He say’s, “if you are using this medicine to remove hair under your arm pits, you will need to limit the amount of deodorant used while using the medicine”. The lady responded, “it is not for my arm pits”. The pharmacist then tells her, “if you are using it to remove hair from your legs, you will need to avoid wearing panty hose while using it because of irritation”. The lady responded, “it’s not for my legs. It’s for my schnauzer”. The pharmacist responded, “in that case, you will need to wear loose fitting cotton panties and avoid ridding anything like a motorcycle or a bicycle while using this medication”.
 
Steward of the Rock said:
A woman takes her old, crippled schnauzer to the vet because she thinks he is going deaf. The vet looks in the dogs ears and tells the lady, “your dog is not deaf. There is just so much hair matted up in there that he cannot hear”. The vet fills out a prescription for a powerful hair remover to use that can only be purchased by prescription thru a pharmacy. The lady stops at the pharmacy on her way home. When the pharmacist brings her the medicine, he gives her the instructions for it’s use. He say’s, “if you are using this medicine to remove hair under your arm pits, you will need to limit the amount of deodorant used while using the medicine”. The lady responded, “it is not for my arm pits”. The pharmacist then tells her, “if you are using it to remove hair from your legs, you will need to avoid wearing panty hose while using it because of irritation”. The lady responded, “it’s not for my legs. It’s for my schnauzer”. The pharmacist responded, “in that case, you will need to wear loose fitting cotton panties and avoid ridding anything like a motorcycle or a bicycle while using this medication”.
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With such a funny punch line as that..... check out the Google ad below....


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Bertha, Puddin’, and Ethyl we’re all pregnant and sitting in the doctors waiting room for their scheduled appointments. Bertha made the comment, “I am going to have a little boy”. Ethyl asked her, “how do you know this”? Bertha responded, “when I got knocked up, I was on top”. Ethyl replied, “then I guess I will be having a little girl because I was on bottom when I got knocked up”. They both looked over at Puddin’ who was crying. Bertha asked her why she was crying and Puddin’ responded, “I’m going to have puppies”.
 
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