Off-Topic Joke Thread

Was having a couple of drinks in the bar the other night. Bartender, damn near running, brings me a beer. Asks if I know CPR. I says not only do I know CPR, I've got the whole alphabet down pat. That got the whole place laughing. Well, except for this one guy.
 
Was having a couple of drinks in the bar the other night. Bartender, damn near running, brings me a beer. Asks if I know CPR. I says not only do I know CPR, I've got the whole alphabet down pat. That got the whole place laughing. Well, except for this one guy.

Thaaannk Q....may I haavaaa anutter bbeeerr
 
This morning around 7 am, I went for my stroll around the marina, I noticed a man in a long white robe with a big knife, he was running towards me shouting "Allah akbar", when suddenly he tripped on his robe and fell in the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because he would not let go of the knife and the weight of the explosives he had around him.
I knew he would surely drown without help,
Being the moral citizen I am, knowing to help any one in distress I contacted the Police, Coast Guard, Homeland Security and the Fire Department.
It's now 11 am,the guy is floating face down, and none of the authorities have responded.
I'm starting to think, I've just wasted 4 postage stamps.
 
A virile, middle-aged, Italian guy named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.

After a while they retired to his bedroom where he 'rattled' her in spectacular fashion. After a smoke and brief interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her again, and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly amid screams of passion.

Finally, Guido comes to a halt. He smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido, mustering all his strength and recuperative powers, cranks up for one final burst. In a wild, monumentally frenetic climax they end together, screaming, snorting, bucking, and ripping at the bed sheets.

Absolutely and completely buggered, Guido falls onto his back, gasping for air. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian!"
 
Its National Nacho Day. :lmao:
8tYYdx1.jpg
 
Thinking on your feet...

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?", said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"Really? replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
 
Top