Off-Topic Joke Thread

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A
minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girl friend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE
pharmacist."
 
Bubba, a Truck Driver decides to return to school, his first class in College is about raw emotions and individual feelings. Each student is given an assignment to come to the next class naked but 'dressed' for their feelings.
When back in class the first student is completely naked and she paints herself purple, she states she is 'purple with passion'
The second student, is stark naked and is painted green, he states he is 'green with envy'
Bubba the Truck Driver is naked but he has a custard pie covering his private parts. When the Professors askes what his emotion is Bubba replies "I'm fu*king dis custard"
 
Bubba, a Truck Driver decides to return to school, his first class in College is about raw emotions and individual feelings. Each student is given an assignment to come to the next class naked but 'dressed' for their feelings.
When back in class the first student is completely naked and she paints herself purple, she states she is 'purple with passion'
The second student, is stark naked and is painted green, he states he is 'green with envy'
Bubba the Truck Driver is naked but he has a custard pie covering his private parts. When the Professors askes what his emotion is Bubba replies "I'm fu*king dis custard"
I was in that class. I put an Idaho Russet in my jockstrap.

Wait for it…..

I was a Dictator. Badda Bing!! :17142:
 
ORDERING A PIZZA IN 2024

CALLER:
Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called
you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage,
pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
Super! That's what I'll have.

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I don't want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical
records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take
medication for my cholesterol

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol
tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE:
That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn't show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them
using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of
helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter,
WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the
internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me
or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It
expired 6 weeks ago...

Welcome to the future
 
ORDERING A PIZZA IN 2024

CALLER:
Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called
you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage,
pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
Super! That's what I'll have.

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I don't want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical
records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take
medication for my cholesterol

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol
tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE:
That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn't show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them
using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of
helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter,
WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the
internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me
or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It
expired 6 weeks ago...

Welcome to the future
The really bad part is trying to find one of the few ‘islands’ remaining, not already invaded by the services one wishes to avoid.
 
Squirrel problem...

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
 
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!



DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate



DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?

SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate



DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.

ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate



DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate



DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.



13 Things PMS Stands For

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Stink

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one...

13. Potential Murder Suspect
 
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling COVID protection masks.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a mask? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your masks. I need water!”

"Sorry, I have none, just masks - and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your masks! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a mask from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a mask”
 
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