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Jokes

Stimpy

Wingnut
WHAT STARTS WITH AN "F"

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'
Harry answered, ' I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.'
 

Stimpy

Wingnut
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'You know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rdgrade.'
But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.. ' The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks,
'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.
Harry replied:
'Pockets’ ... to the Principal’s great relief...
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into? ' Harry: 'Pants.'
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..
Ms. Brooks:
'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question......
Ms. Brooks:
'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, " Put the little **** in 5th-Grade, I got the last five questions wrong myself .."
 

Stimpy

Wingnut
True Retribution


There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sez with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'


The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'


Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied,
'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So that’s the girl want!'


Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.


The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'


He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.
After they leave, my babysitter will have sez with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys.
She will get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home.
On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sez, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease... and he’s the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my Frog!
 

Double Nickle

Living from direct deposit to direct deposit.
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat'em!"
"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?" "I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.
"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an a**hole and a briefcase.”
 

Double Nickle

Living from direct deposit to direct deposit.
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'

Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ray.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ray, wake up! You've pooped the bed!"
 

Double Nickle

Living from direct deposit to direct deposit.
A Nun was taking a walk through town the other day. Suddenly she realized that she needed a bathroom break, and needed it right now. Standing in front of Hooters, she questioned herself about going into such a place, but Mother Nature has the upper hand. The Nun ran inside and asked the bartender if she could use the restroom. The crowd fell silent, all staring at the Nun. The bartender told her she could, but it was all the way in the back of the restaurant. She hurried off in that direction. The bartender says, I must warn you Sister, there is a statue of a naked man wearing nothing but a fig leaf in there. The Nun said, I'll just look the other way, and heads off in search of relief. The music is thumping quite loudly. The patrons are all extremely loud. The lights are pulsating, and every now and then the lights go out. Each time the lights go out, the crowd cheers even louder. She finally makes it to the rest room, does her business and comes out. The crowd starts clapping and cheering. As she passed the bartender, she asked why they were clapping for her. He said, they like you because you're one of them now. Would you like a free drink to celebrate? The Nun says, I don't understand and certainly don't want a drink, and why in Heavens name do the lights keep going out? The bartender replies, Every time someone lifts the fig leaf, the lights go out and after the third time, the lights were out for 18 minutes. You want that drink now?
 

Double Nickle

Living from direct deposit to direct deposit.
Aphorisms
♦ 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to
cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an
even number?
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white and
blue stand for freedom until they are flashing
behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their
body. Men are so polite they only look at the
covered parts.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who
will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but
won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when
you love someone? That's common sense leaving
your body
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with
vengeance. We'll see about that!
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me….she’s been
Googling my name on her computer. I saw it
through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive,
try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is
like at Hooters. Do they just give you a
bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC
Penny has an older women’s clothing line named,
"Sag Harbor."
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday,
the meal is on us."
If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your
life sucks!
♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far
away from your house you can go in a robe before
you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made
a language entirely out of tattoos.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids
in touch!
♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet
was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea,
Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of
course, Opie were all single. The only married
person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Now,don’t you feel better knowing what an aphorism
is?
 

Double Nickle

Living from direct deposit to direct deposit.
A southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named Chip and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't have a clue what he wanted to do, and didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed four objects on his desk:
- A Bible
- A silver dollar
- A bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey
- A Playboy magazine
The old preacher then says to himself "I'll just hide behind the door, and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK; but if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that horrible magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps entering the house and whistling and he headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave spotted the objects on the desk. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
He picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm, dropped the silver dollar into his pocket, uncorked the bottle, and chugged a big long drink while he studied the details of this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Sailor!"
 

Double Nickle

Living from direct deposit to direct deposit.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
 

Cerberus_Kelpie

Well-Known Member
This just in;

The Newest Truck Frame Structural Integrity which is also of Non-Heaviness and Secure against ANY Road and Hazard affecting Nominal Control and Ride as well waterproof to three Fathoms (in case that's somehow an important feature) will be constructed entirely of Unobtanium reinforced Wishalloy.
Will also be Entirely Wrapped in Tungsten Cowhide and Liberally Sprayed with De-Escalatium to Prevent Rust as well Fracturing when Introduced to Sudden Deceleration.
The Added Benefit Of Structural Integrity of Side Road Reinforcements To Prevent and Unallow Careless Naturally Occurring Fractures of Emotionally Supported Sudden Mental Aberration within The Controlling Sub Structure of the Driver Friendly Continuum.
As You Will See In The Semi-Provided and Outlined Sub-Orbital Brief As Usually Provided (Not Consistently Due To Minor Non-Manipulative Robotic Inconsistencies), The Following Overwhelmingly Encompassing Protocol Will Be Coupled To Your Approved Access Following The Specific Probabilities As Outlined In The Next Paragraph.

Provided Your Are Accepted:

1) You Shall Not Be Where You Might Think Yourself To Be. Please Refrain From Whining.
2) You Are Required To Submit To Something At Our Discretion. It Doesn't Hurt Too Much According To Previous Subjects, oh, sorry, Customers.
3) You Shall Be Treated Accordingly As Per Your Play Station In Life and Comfortable In Your New Air Ride Multi-Functional Captains Chair/Seat.
4) Have You Had All Required Shots? (>we ask for no specific reason yet your response is required<)
5) Your Receptive Percentage of Information Is Dependent Upon Your Clarity Of Vision And The Darkness You Will Undergo (If Accepted) Is For Your Protection. Please Do Not Wander About. This Is Not A Truck Stop.
6) Regardless Of Your Location (and After The Removal Of Your Captains Chair/Seat), Please Remain Upright and On One Leg To Help Negate The Trilliosphere From Engaging.
Such Engagement May Offer Something Unusual To Your Life Form, Yet It Remains Undiscovered.
7) Please Allow 4-7 Months, Earth Time, For Results of Your Approved/Denied (for no discernable reason) Acceptance Provided You Are Unwaveringly Coherent To Additional Required Specifics* If/When You're Accepted. *No Known Pain.

......
 

Cerberus_Kelpie

Well-Known Member
This may well be sometime in the Nethersphere at a Local and Unavoidably Visited Man-u-fractured Facility, Only Through Subliminal Suggestion As Well Spontaneous and Direct Mentally Divergent Invitation.

WE HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY SIMILAR OR UNCONTROLLABLE INDUSTRY, such as TESLA!

Please Check With Your Favorite Online News Feed or Celebrity Highlight Site For Any Optimally Aware Information As Usually Presented Entirely Subliminally Through Your Established Receptor, But Only When Trans-Substantially Linked To A Sub Orbital Regenerative Ship Maintaining Standard Distance From The Perseus Star Cluster As WE Are Unusually Normally Required To Continually Monitor.

This Has Nothing To Do With Anything Else Of Similar Development!
Thank You For Your Interest And Safe Space Trucking!
 

Stimpy

Wingnut
Difference between Potentially & Realistically!
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a *****.
 

Stimpy

Wingnut
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A VERY BIG problem with the organist at church!



A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get
another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, &
told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and
all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her
not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will
make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.
 

Double Nickle

Living from direct deposit to direct deposit.
Yesterday I was at my local Sam's Club buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pets, Turbo, Trucker and Diesel. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I was crossing the street and stopped to lick my balls when a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore.
 

Double Nickle

Living from direct deposit to direct deposit.
A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway
outside Tijuana
Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed
to the nearest hospital. Unfortunately, the doctors
determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of
drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him
He dies within a few minutes and the attending
physician marks the cause of death as "1/2".
Curious, the nurse asks him what this seemingly
unrelated fraction has to do with this man's death
The doctor responds "Juan over-dos"
 

Double Nickle

Living from direct deposit to direct deposit.
Well, what should I do?", asked the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW! He hit the ball 320 yards, straight down the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home, telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and his wife couldn't wait for her lesson.
The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's *****."
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet. "You know, that was actually a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and hold it in your hands.
 
Congressman encounters his new convertible for the first time with his family in tow. Puffed with pride and plumage that he finally scored the big time.

Well that was brought back crashing to earth when Congressman's Boy piped up saying Daddy hurry and get the key, its fixing to rain and the top is down.
 
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