Jokes

A contestant on "Who wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest,
But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline.
All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do...On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is. . . absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends—
Including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.
And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice.
By the way how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.
They live in clocks."
 
A priest was ill and unable to take confession...




...so he asked Mother Superior if she could cover for him."It's easy," he said. "When someone tells you their sin, just look at the chart on the wall and tell them the right prayers for repentance." So Mother Superior goes into the confessional, and the first person who entered was a man.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I cheated on my wife of seven years."
Mother Superior looked at the chart, and right under 'adultery' was "5 Our Fathers, 2 Hail Marys." So she tells him, "Perform five Our Fathers and two Hail Marys. Go and sin no more."
The next person was a woman. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole a purse from a store."
Mother Superior looks at the list, and reads what's there. "Perform two Our Fathers and a Hail Mary. Go and sin no more."
At this point Mother Superior is feeling kind of confident.
Another woman entered the confessional. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I gave a man I was unmarried to a blowjob."
Mother Superior checks the list. Blowjob... blowjob... Blowjobs weren't on the list. She tells the woman to wait a minute and leaves the confessional. She finds a passing altar boy and flags him down.
"Boy," she says. "What does the priest give for a blowjob?"
"Oh, he replies. ”Usually just a Snickers bar and a pat on the head."
 
TEST FOR ALCOHOLISM!!!

I am not an alcoholic according to the test results.

I have been concerned about a few of you so when I saw this simple test,

I thought I should forward it to you:
Simple Alcoholism test that you can take in the privacy of your computer......
This is a test to determine If you are an alcoholic
(Scroll down for your results)






























1000005406.png









If you saw the bar sign,
you are an alcoholic
 
THE GOOD WIFE:

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says
I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
"Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking."
 
TEST FOR ALCOHOLISM!!!

I am not an alcoholic according to the test results.

I have been concerned about a few of you so when I saw this simple test,

I thought I should forward it to you:
Simple Alcoholism test that you can take in the privacy of your computer......
This is a test to determine If you are an alcoholic
(Scroll down for your results)






























1000005406.png









If you saw the bar sign,
you are an alcoholic
I wonder if her "pillows"are soft
 
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