Jokes

A trucker bought a horse to drive a wagon at home on his thousand acre spread tending fences.

The family kept telling him the horse wont stop for nothing. Please stop and a variety of polite entreaties would not work on it.

The trucker took the horse and wagon out and had no problems. On return to the barn he explained to the family that the horse was raised with a dispatcher and the only way to get it to stop doing anything is to use profanity. For example.

WHOA DAMN YOU WHOA.
 
The Hooker

A guy walks into a bar in Vegas looking for some action. After a few drinks, he notices what he thinks is a hooker at the end of the bar and heads down there. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do you charge?"
The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The bloke says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money.”
Hooker replies, "I give the absolute best hand jobs!
Do you see that Ferrari sitting out there? My hand jobs paid for that car!"
So he agrees to it and they go into the alley behind the bar and do their business.
It is the best he's ever had.

So the next week rolls around and he's eager to get a blowjob this time.
So he tracks down the same hooker and asks, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."
The hooker says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
Hooker replies, "Do you see that apartment building over there?
My blowjobs are the best and paid for the whole upper floor. "
So that's good enough to convince him, so again they go to the alley and do their business. It's so good that he blacks out.

So the following week rolls around and he wants it all.
So he finds his hooker again and asks, "So how much for sex?"
"$2,000 or more I suppose"
" Hooker replies, "Do you see that Casino over there?"
Guy says, "Oh, don't tell me your kitty paid for that!"
The hooker says, "No. But It would have. . . if I had a kitty!"
 
Grandpa vs IRS


The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Don’t mess with old people!
 
There were these two old friends that had not had contact with each other in several years as one of them had moved away. At their 40 year high school reunion, they bumped into each other and started reminiscing about all the crazy things they had done back in the day. The man that still lived in that town invited his old friend to have a few drinks at one of the local bars that he hangs out at and his old friend accepts. They walked into the bar and ordered their drinks. As they were talking, someone at the back of the bar yells out "FORTY-FOUR" and everyone starts laughing hysterically. The mans friend hears this and is curious what it is all about, but says nothing. A few minutes later, someone else in the bar yells out "TWENTY-NINE" and everyone laughs hysterically again. The mans old friend then asks his buddy, "why do random people keep yelling out a number and everyone laughs when they do? His friend tells him that everyone in the bar have been regular patrons for many years and that they have heard every joke there is to hear. So rather than repeat the joke, they have all the jokes numbered. So now, they yell out the jokes number instead of telling the joke. The old friend (new guy in the bar) decided he would participate and yells out "FIFTY-THREE", but nobody laughs. He asks his friend, "why did nobody laugh"? His friend told him, "some people can tell a joke, and some people can't". LOL!!!
 
Why Grandpas are better!

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Paw Paw, it was boring.


We didn't see a single azzhole, qu#$r, piece of s@#t, horse's azz, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dip s#@t, Muslim camel-humper, pecker-head or son of a b#$ch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I didn't have any fun at all."
 
Old Italian Golfer
Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'


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"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?
"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old andyour grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morningtoo?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?
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Last night we ordered Chinese takeout (yeah, I know, weak moment) from a favorite local place (we won't name them, my kids know which one). Good to see patrons back in the place, eating, having a good time. Ordered lots of favs, picked up a big bag, and started driving home.

That's when I heard it. The bag's rustling and moving, I kid you not. Thought, "what on earth..." (Well, may have phrased it another way, but I digress...) Has something got in the bag? Looked over on the passenger seat where the bag was - now, it's dark, so I can't really see much at this point. But I did see a little pair of eyes peering out between the Sesame Chicken and House Special Low Mein.

Thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down, and there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!
 
Last night we ordered Chinese takeout (yeah, I know, weak moment) from a favorite local place (we won't name them, my kids know which one). Good to see patrons back in the place, eating, having a good time. Ordered lots of favs, picked up a big bag, and started driving home.

That's when I heard it. The bag's rustling and moving, I kid you not. Thought, "what on earth..." (Well, may have phrased it another way, but I digress...) Has something got in the bag? Looked over on the passenger seat where the bag was - now, it's dark, so I can't really see much at this point. But I did see a little pair of eyes peering out between the Sesame Chicken and House Special Low Mein.

Thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down, and there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!
You went to the food king restaurant didn't you????


Now say it with a Chinese accent....lol
 
Last night we ordered Chinese takeout (yeah, I know, weak moment) from a favorite local place (we won't name them, my kids know which one). Good to see patrons back in the place, eating, having a good time. Ordered lots of favs, picked up a big bag, and started driving home.

That's when I heard it. The bag's rustling and moving, I kid you not. Thought, "what on earth..." (Well, may have phrased it another way, but I digress...) Has something got in the bag? Looked over on the passenger seat where the bag was - now, it's dark, so I can't really see much at this point. But I did see a little pair of eyes peering out between the Sesame Chicken and House Special Low Mein.

Thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down, and there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!
as long as you weren't naked...i'd say his peeking day ended rather quickly.
 
We have a new grocery store in town.
It has an fantastic bakery. As you come up on the bakery, you smell the awesome cookies and bread cooking.When you walk past the produce isle, you hear the distant sound of thunder, and the water sprayer comes on, keeping the produce fresh, and it smells like a summer rain storm.
As you come up to the meat department, you hear farm animals, and get the smell of steak cooking on the grill.
When you walk through the beer and wine section, you hear sounds of friends talking, making memories, and soft music.
Man, this place is awesome.
When you are approaching the dairy isle, you hear the clucking and cackling of chickens and you are engulfed in the aroma of eggs and bacon being cooked.
Man, I'm telling you this place is really a beautiful experience.
But man, let me tell you this. I'm not buying anymore toilet paper from that store.
 
The Rabbi is leaving.

At the Saturday morning service the rabbi announced
That he was planning to leave for a larger congregation
That would pay him more.

There is a hush within thecongregation. No one wants
Him to leave, because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several cardealerships in Venice
And Sarasota, stands up and proclaims:
"If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac
Every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
Their children! ”

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands
And says; -
"If the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his
Salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free
College education for his children! "

More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: -
"If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex."
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: -
"Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever
Possessed you to say that? ”

Estelle’s 90 year old husband, Abe, is now trying to
Hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and
Shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: -
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could Help,
And he said: 'screw him.'
 
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay". She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out.

She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week sheplays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide ifyou're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies.
"I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.

From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed;
if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
 
Sharing in old age


An elderly couple entered a McDonald’s store and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.
The old man walked over to the box and made the order for him.
He unwrapped the hamburger , cut it in half and put one half next to his wife ; very carefully, he counted all the fries and did the same.
He dipped two straws into the soda and put it between himself and his wife.
The old woman began to eat her half hamburger , people stared at her compassionately.
A young man approached them and politely offered to buy them another portion of food.
The old woman she replied that she did not bother, that they were used to sharing everything.
People realized that the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate, and from time to time, he drank a little soda.
Young approached again and repeated his offer.
This time it was the old man who explained that no, they were used to sharing everything.
The young man then asked the old man
And what are you waiting for then?
THE
TEETH!!!
 
Man walks into bar


A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
Places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
And asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
One foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
Into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
As well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
Beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says....
'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.......
'I will grant you one wish. Just ! One wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says.......
'I want a million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
And they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says......
'Y'know, I think Your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
Not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
 



A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
 
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