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Jokes

Stimpy

Wingnut
Prior to her trip to Calgary, Carol (a blonde chick from England ), confided to her co-workers and friends she had three goals for her trip to Cowboy country ;

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1. She wanted to taste some real western Bar-B-Que.

2.. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo...

And...
3. She wanted to have sez with a local cowboy.

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

'Let me tell you, they have Alberta beef to die for, and when they bar-b-q it, the taste is unbelievable!'

'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes...Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'


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Then came the big question,

'Well tell us, did you have sez with a real cowboy?'

'Are you kidding? When I saw the size of the condoms they carry in their back pockets I changed my mind!'

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Stimpy

Wingnut
Vaat Da Hell?...

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.' asked the lawyer?

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule,
Bessie, into da.....' 'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted.
'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road....

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer,
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'.

'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'. 'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said,
'How are you feeling?' 'Now vaat da hell vould YOU say?
 

Stimpy

Wingnut
FBI RECRUITING

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
 

Stimpy

Wingnut
Subject: Fw: Confucius did not Say

Confucius Did Not Say
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Did Not Say.

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
 
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