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Jokes

Big Dave

Ultra Maga. Ultra American
A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”
He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”
 

Steward of the Rock

Well-Known Member
A Bear walks into a bar, walks over to a female patron and without hesitation he mauls and eats her. After he is finished, he orders a beer to wash down the woman he just devoured. The bartender says, “I am sorry, but we don’t serve drug users in here”. The bear responds, “I don’t use drugs”. The bartender replies, “You can’t fool me. I saw that BARBITCH-U-ATE”!!!
 

Steward of the Rock

Well-Known Member
Two strings walk into a bar. Before they can even order their drinks, the bartender says, “I am sorry, but we don’t serve strings in here. You two will have to leave”. After the two strings are thrown out, one of them decides that he is getting in that bar and getting a drink. So, he ties himself into a knot and frays both of his ends. He then walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Aren’t you one of those strings I threw out earlier”? The string replies, “No. I am a frayed knot”!!!
 

BIG R GUY

MAGA-Mirrors And Girls Always
Premium
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'You know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rdgrade.'
But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.. ' The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks,
'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.
Harry replied:
'Pockets’ ... to the Principal’s great relief...
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into? ' Harry: 'Pants.'
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..
Ms. Brooks:
'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question......
Ms. Brooks:
'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, " Put the little **** in 5th-Grade, I got the last five questions wrong myself .."
Little, Bast### ?
 

seabreeze

Not Well Known Member, 63 Year Teamster Member
I paid $14000 for a registered Angus bull.
I'm gonna make a bundle selling high-dollar breeding stock.
For 3 days my bull didn't know any cows were in the pasture, he totally ignored them.
I said to myself, "self you've bought a gay bull.
I called the vet to check my bull.
He said he's fine, maybe a little young, and gave him some little blue pills.
In 2 days he had bred every cow I owned, tore down my fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows.
I don't know what was in those pills, but they did the job.
They tasted kinda like peppermint.
 

Stimpy

Wingnut
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading North America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,

TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a “BABE” or a “CHICK” She is a “BREASTED AMERICAN.”

2. She is not “EASY” She is “HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.”

3. She is not a “DUMB BLONDE” She is a “LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.”

4. She has not “BEEN AROUND” She is a “PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.”

5. She does not “NAG” you She becomes “VERBALLY REPETITIVE.”

6. She is not a “TWO-BIT HOOKER” She is a “LOW COST PROVIDER.”

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a “BEER GUT” He has developed a “LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.”

2. He is not a “BAD DANCER” He is “OVERLY CAUCASIAN.”

3. He does not “GET LOST ALL THE TIME” He “INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.”

4. He is not “BALDING” He is in “FOLLICLE REGRESSION.”

5. He does not act like a “TOTAL ASS” He develops a case of “RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.”

6. It’s not his “CRACK” you see hanging out of his pants It’s “REAR CLEAVAGE.”
 

Steward of the Rock

Well-Known Member
I paid $14000 for a registered Angus bull.
I'm gonna make a bundle selling high-dollar breeding stock.
For 3 days my bull didn't know any cows were in the pasture, he totally ignored them.
I said to myself, "self you've bought a gay bull.
I called the vet to check my bull.
He said he's fine, maybe a little young, and gave him some little blue pills.
In 2 days he had bred every cow I owned, tore down my fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows.
I don't know what was in those pills, but they did the job.
They tasted kinda like peppermint.
I once had a macho rooster that killed all my hens breeding. He was very well endowed. One day, as I was driving home, I noticed him laying on the side of the road on his back, both feet in the air, eyes closed and his tongue hanging out. I pulled over to make sure it was him and it was. As I stood over him, I said “well after killing all of my chickens, you finally got what you deserved”. He opened one eye, looked at me and said “shhhhhh. Buzzards”.
:lmao::lmao::lmao:
 
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