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Jokes
- Thread starter Stimpy
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Great Sex
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
" Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing!
He was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else.
You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it?
You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
" Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing!
He was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else.
You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it?
You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth 'What are the greens fees,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked. 'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at? 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or.... 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your ****ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth 'What are the greens fees,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked. 'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at? 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or.... 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your ****ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
I’m really tired today fellas. I was reading a new book on helium last night, and I just couldn’t put it down
vongrimmenstein
I stand for our flag, & kneel for the fallen
- Credits
- 112
Now you gotta tell me which it is are they gay or not gay. Because this joke could go in 2 different directions as you well know. von.
vongrimmenstein
I stand for our flag, & kneel for the fallen
- Credits
- 112
Dick or ***** seems so personal. Can we go with something politically incorrect? I know, how about "tallywacker'? von.
That's what happened after eating a few too many west coast turnarounds in one week back in the day.
Do you mean the black RJS?That's what happened after eating a few too many west coast turnarounds in one week back in the day.
Been there, done that!
vongrimmenstein
I stand for our flag, & kneel for the fallen
- Credits
- 112
I see the word peni* has been censored by the Google platform. But, tallywacker is allowed. If i say wo wo instead of vagin* I bet the farm wo wo is not censored. Welcome to the woke world. von.
Double Nickle
Living from direct deposit to direct deposit.
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