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Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.
that's just COLD
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physio-Therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you'd allow me.'
'Oh, no, I'll be all right I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
‘Feels great,’he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken
Helga & the Barkeep.
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven and then went into town to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hotter den hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"
so she walked in and quietly took a seat at the end of the bar.
The bartender walked up to her and said,
"And what would you like to drink today?"
"Vell Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice, "I don't usually go into da bars, but today I vill make an exception.
It iss zo hot, I tink I vill have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender smiled at Helga and asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and said; "Vell, it's fine tanks, und how's yur viener..?"
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma!, There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma, There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling,
"Ma, Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as
they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do"
He said " You remember the jewelers we went into about
10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace.
I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would
get it for you "
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got
all choked up;"yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.
"Well I’m in the pub next to that."
i actually remember watching that tv show, funny as all hell.
An oldie but a goodie....
All-girl Biker Bar
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, But they know they are in
One day they decide that they want to get married, So Bruce goes to Jenny's
father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
And I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine And we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a
week And I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
So that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should
have Little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little is adorable.
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
She's Such A Bitch......
Men's Club - Moral to marriage
When our lawn mower wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the truck,
the car, playing golf, fishing etc. - - always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said “When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway”.
The doctors say I will walk again, but I’ll always have a limp.
Moral to this story:
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is the husband
My husband was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even
though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower
as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now
laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE
The following ad appeared in a newspaper.
SBF, Seeks Male companionship, Ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a svelte good-looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire,
candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work;
wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy.
(The phone number was the Humane Society, and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever.)
Blondie's Favorite Finger!
Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend," gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine
under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"
"My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it chop off his WHOLE finger!?"
"No thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"
Ralph & Edna Story
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
The original sin