TRUCKING Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member AD-FREE USER

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    Ethel checked into a motel room on her 65 birthday, lonely and a little depressed at her advancing age,she
    decided to risk an adventure.
    I'll call one of those escorts advertised in the phone book for sensual massages.
    She found herself calling a guy by the name of Tender Tony, in his photo he had muscles in all the right places, wavy hair, 6
    pack abs, dazzling smile.
    Good evening mam, how can I help you? I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and
    give me one.
    No, wait, I'm going to be straight with you, I want sex, I'm in town all alone, I want it hot,I want it now,every thing you have in your bag of tricks, tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup, any thing goes, how does that sound?
    He said, that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.
     
  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    [​IMG]
     
  3. 00mustang

    00mustang NO LTL 4 ME CAR HAUL ONLY

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    Double trouble
     
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  4. vongrimmenstein

    vongrimmenstein I stand for our flag, & kneel forthe fallen

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    Ya know why driving a big rig in bad weather is a lot like licking pu**y? When it gets wet & slick out, ya gotta slow down before you run in to an a** hole. von.
     
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  5. troubleman84

    troubleman84 Well-Known Member

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  6. vongrimmenstein

    vongrimmenstein I stand for our flag, & kneel forthe fallen

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    This picture alone, without any other evidence, explains & proves why cops shoot people fleeing from the them. It is the only way they can catch the perp. AND, if this motorcycle cop could fit in a squad car, the poor seat would't even last the entire shift. There is only so much money in a departments budget. And he would bust it in a minute. von.
     
  7. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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  8. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
     
  9. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
     
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  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
    A: Santa stops after three hos.
     
  11. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Johnny wanted to get his mom something nice for Christmas but she’s hard to shop for. Passing a pet store he thought, "Hmm, a pet might be a good idea." He walked in the pet store and asked the manager what might be a good idea. "How about a puppy?" "No," said Johnny. "It may poop around the house." "A fish?" "No, her house is small, so I don’t think an aquarium will fit." Johnny then spied a parrot and asked, "How about that parrot?" "Oh," said the manager, "That’s Chet. He’s very expensive." "Well," said Johnny, "It’s my mom let’s take a look." The manager went to Chet, put a lighter under his left wing, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells..." Then the manager put a lighter under Chet’s right wig and it started to sing, "Dashing through the snow..." "Wow!" said Johnny, "What else does he sing?" The manager held the lighter under Chet’s crotch at which point Chet sang, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."
     
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  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town and blow a few bucks.
     
  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmastime? Because they were originally made for children but fathers want to play with them.
     
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  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The Agony of Aging






    On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended

    I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

    He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

    I said to him, “You'd better get your hearing checked -

    You're supposed to turn your clock back".
     
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  15. pro1driver

    pro1driver I am LOST

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    [​IMG]
     
  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A LESSON IN MORALS

    One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

    Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

    When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

    Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."

    Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

    Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

    Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

    The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

    "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
     
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  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    LITTLE JOHNNY... QUIT BUGGING ME

    While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

    Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

    Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

    Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
     
  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    DEAD BLONDE IN CLOSET

    Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?

    A: The hide-and-seek champion of 1996.
     
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  19. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    DEFINITION OF AGONY

    Q: What is the definition of agony?

    A: A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.
     
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  20. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    THE BLONDE AND THE DEODORANT

    The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

    "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

    "But I always get it here," says the blonde.

    "Do you have the container it comes in?"

    "Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

    She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

    The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
     
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