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TRUCKING Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    ELEPHANT ENCOUNTER

    Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?

    A: Apologize and wipe it off.


    That is bad......:6817:
     
    pro1driver and kboomarang like this.
  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    CHILLING WITH ESKIMOS

    Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?

    A. Polaroids.
     
  3. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    CANNIBAL ETIQUETTE

    Did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party?

    They gave him the cold shoulder.
     
  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    BRAIN FART

    Q: How do you know when a blonde has a brain fart?

    A: Her ears flap.
     
  5. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Two men both drag their right feet as they walk.

    As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

    The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
     
  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    THE FLYING CONDOM

    Q: Why was the condom flying through the air?

    A: It got pissed off.
     
  7. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?

    It's all over town.
     
  8. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

    The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

    The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

    The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
     
  9. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

    A: Wet noses.
     
  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    COLLEGE PRIDE

    A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

    A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

    A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”
     
  11. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    WALKS INTO A BAR... STRING STYLE

    A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

    The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

    The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

    The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
     
  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

    "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

    The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

    The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

    A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

    "I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
     
  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.

    Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."

    The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"

    "Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."
     
  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

    "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

    The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

    Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

    "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
     
  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

    "I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

    The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

    "That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

    "Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
     
  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?

    A: Line dancing at a nursing home.
     
  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.

    "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

    "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
     
  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold?

    A: She sits by a candle.

    Q: What does she do when it gets really cold?

    A: She lights it.
     
  19. othertrucker2001

    othertrucker2001 Living from direct deposit to direct deposit.

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    Now thats funny....
     
    seabreeze and pro1driver like this.
  20. othertrucker2001

    othertrucker2001 Living from direct deposit to direct deposit.

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    This actually happened to a couple that I know, back about 45 years ago. Only thing is, it was a seagull. And to this day, everytime they see a seagull, John gets slammed right back in the dog house. He was seriously considering moving away from the beach. Lolol.
     

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