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TRUCKING Jokes

Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. seabreeze

    seabreeze Not Well Known Member, 60 Year Teamster Member

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    A recent survey shows the average American male between 60 and 80 years of age has sex 2 or 3 times
    a week, whereas the Japanese men the same age group will have sex only 1 or 2 times a year, if he is lucky.
    This came as a shock to myself and my truck driving buddies, as none of us had any idea we were Japanese.
     
  2. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Yo' Mama is so stupid, she went up to a cow and asked for 2%.
     
  3. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?
    One hundred people who don't do dick.
     
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  4. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Q: How can you always tell a blind man at a nude beach?

    A: It's not hard.
     
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  5. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A birch and a beech tree grow up side by side in the forest. One day, a sapling grows between them, and each swears that it's not their son. The beech thinks it's a son-of-a-birch, and the birch thinks it's a son-of-a-beech. To settle it, they enlist the help of a woodpecker, who checks it out.

    "You are both wrong," he says when he comes back up. "That's the best piece of ash I've ever had my pecker in."
     
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  6. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

    A: Bingo.
     
  7. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    While the teacher was conducting her class, Little Johnny yells out, "Teacher, teacher, I have to take a piss." The teacher, shocked, replies "No, Johnny you may not because you did not raise your hand. And I will speak to your mother for using that word." So Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, teacher, I have to pee!" The teacher turns and says to Little Johnny, the word is 'urinate' and you may not go to the bathroom right now. Little Johnny gets up to leave the room and says, "Teacher, teacher, urinate, but if you have bigger tits you'd be a ten."
     
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  8. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

    A: You can go to sleep with the light on.
     
  9. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
    not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.



    Corduroy pillows are making headlines!



    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
    Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
    " Herman , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
    Please be careful!"

    "It's not just one car," said Herman . "It's hundreds of them!"



    In Memoriam
    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise , the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
     
  10. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
    They both hope to be human someday.

    What did a lawyer name his daughter?

    Sue!
     
    00mustang likes this.
  11. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A shady-looking guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

    The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy smiles and leaves.

    The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop.

    "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

    "To your house."
     
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  12. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

    The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

    There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

    Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

    This leaves 19 million to do the work.

    Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

    There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

    Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

    You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes.
     
  13. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.

    She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”

    The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

    When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

    I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”

    We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

    On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

    “Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.
     
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  14. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. ''It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on me? I've never cheated on you.''

    He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: ''How many times? And when?''

    The wife responded, ''Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?''

    The husband stared. ''You mean you're the one who got him to?''

    His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. ''I guess that's okay. Any other times?''

    ''Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time... I kinda...''

    ''Ah, you're the one who made it possible.''

    The husband looked honestly relieved. ''Well, that's understandable, you saved my life. Any others?''

    She nodded. ''One more.''

    The husband leaned forward. ''Well... you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes...?''
     
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  15. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Do you know how copper wire was invented?

    Two lawyers fighting over a penny.
     
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  16. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey, Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

    "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

    "Aw, come on, boy," the farmer insisted.

    "Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

    After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

    "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

    "Under the wagon."
     
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  17. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Definitions......... Webster take notice





    ADULT:
    A person who has stopped growing
    at both ends
    and is now growing in the middle.


    BEAUTY PARLOR:
    A place where women curl up and dye.


    CHICKENS:
    The only animals you eat before they
    are born and after they are dead.


    COMMITTEE:
    A body that keeps minutes
    and wastes hours.


    DUST:
    Mud with the juice squeezed out.


    EGOTIST:
    Someone who is usually
    me-deep in conversation.


    HANDKERCHIEF:
    Cold Storage.


    INFLATION:
    Cutting money in half without
    damaging the paper.


    MOSQUITO:
    An insect that makes
    you like flies better.


    RAISIN:
    A grape that got too much sun.


    SECRET:
    Something you tell to one
    person at a time.


    SKELETON:
    A bunch of bones with the
    person scraped off.


    TOOTHACHE:
    The pain that drives
    you to extraction.


    TOMORROW:
    One of the greatest labor
    saving devices of today.


    YAWN:
    An honest opinion
    openly expressed.



    WRINKLES:
    Something other people have,
    Similar to my character lines.
     
  18. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    Lexophiles








    Saw these a long while back but a clever revisit....


    Lexophile describes those that have a love for words, such as.......
    "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," or

    "To write with a broken pencil isnning submission is posted at the very end.
    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because
    she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    When chemists die, they barium.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club,
    but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

    I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says
    he can stop any time.

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

    I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

    A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

    A will is a dead giveaway.

    With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old
    was resisting a rest.

    Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
    He's all right now.

    A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

    The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

    When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done - that's the point of it.

    Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
     
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  19. Stimpy

    Stimpy Wingnut

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    The thong that drives Muslims crazy .... or

    The thong that drives Arabs crazy!!!!

    Lol


     
  20. pro1driver

    pro1driver I am LOST

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    damn Stimpy...i liked the way she shook her booty...!!!!!

    you gave me a whole new outlook on pigs......(or just a pig)
     
    Stimpy likes this.

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