Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.
Lol... you are just not right.... lol
no, no i am not..in fact, the back x-rays showed.....i have "loose screws".....
Your back or your head?
That's what he trying to get fixed No more screws and lock tite using the new improved gorilla glue
and i want either a zipper, or a zip-lock, THIS TIME sewn into my back, for easier opening/closing..!!!!!
''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''
''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''
''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''
''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''
''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''
Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?"
They chuckled and reply, " No, we aren't even Catholic."
Q: Why was the blonde's bellybutton bruised?
A: Her husband was a blonde, too.
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
did you hear about the two lesbians building a house together?
There is not a single STUD in it..
It is all tongue-and groove ! ( One of my all time favorites!)
sheesh, whaddya worth then..>?????
St. Patrick's Day
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so
she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from
completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid.
Husband: Well you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.”
Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.
Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown
Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teats, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the
drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata
and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya
fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off."
She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite
innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said.
'Send an ambulance, me wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No! This is her husband, Kevin.'
My mother wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine giving up your sex life--and then once a week
people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks
over at him and asks
"What would you do if I died? Would you get married
not? Don't you like being married?"
"Of course I do."
"Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
would?" (with a hurt look)
(makes audible groan)
"Would you live in our house?"
"Sure, it's a great house."
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
"Where else would we sleep?"
"Would you let her drive my car?"
"Probably, it is almost new."
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
"That would seem like the proper thing to do."
"Would you give her my jewelry?"
"No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
"Would you take her golfing with you?
"Yes, those are always good times."
"Would she use my clubs?
"No, she's left-handed."
CARTOONS FROM 65 YEARS AGO . . . .
The artist for this type of saucy postcards wasDonald McGill. He was nearly 80 years old
when he was put on trial in 1954 under the Obscene Publications Act. He was found guilty
and was fined. Today the postcards are worth a fortune , so enjoy!