Discussion in 'The Drivers Lounge' started by Stimpy, Nov 11, 2015.
The new Irishman
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike."
"Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?" she asked.
"Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two ╭∩╮（︶_︶）╭∩╮ing Muslims."
What's the difference between an Illegal Alien and a Space Alien??
After a while, the Space Alien goes back home.
Yeah, but I’ve never had an illegal probe me.....
i can link you to a website, where where alien probing takes place, and if you want more, @Stimpy can supply you with dozens more...!!!!!!! (i get them from him by the way......)
That's not Wong told us
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
Rodney.... he still doesn't get any respect......
sheesh, finally, i now know this
loved Benny Hill...i can nearly recall many years ago when i'd be channel surfing, and came across the channel that had his show, coulda been cable, can't say, but i was hooked......
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our
usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me
and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to
lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it
my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, ‘Thanks’, and returned to the
stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?"
She explained, “The egg timer's broken."
The eggs were still undercooked.
During a commercial airline flight an
experienced Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing,
the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking,
he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
“That’s a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!”
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her
pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the
pressure in the baby’s ears.
The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot
fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.”
The old golfer
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."