This goes out to those little two-minute injuries that completely ****ing incapacitate their unsuspecting victims, for about two minutes.
The Toe Stub:
Stubbing your toe is almost like an out of body experience. As it's happening, time seems to slow down like a crash test simulation video while your toe absorbs maximum impact and then recoils in horror to a sound that lets you know instantly how totally ****ed your little world is about to become. I usually gasp. Sometimes I start agonizing in anticipation of the agony, and then it turns out to be not so bad. But then, every once in a while, a toe stub catches you so off guard and so completely by surprise, and it's the real thing, that it reminds you just how bad life can suck. You stop whatever it is you were doing, you make a hissing noise, you fall down, you grab the toe and just hold it like a shot-up movie character that can only be comforted for a minute before death, you rock back and forth, you beg for it just to be a dream, and then you suffer. There are few things that compare to a world class toe stub. I haven't had a really horrible one in a long time, but I know that it's coming. I calculate that roughly 100 minutes out of the rest of my remaining life minutes will be dedicated to writhing in pain from toe stubs.
The Charlie Horse::Flame-On:
This little bastard trots in with no warning, and in the process, causes one to focus most of the body's resources on resolving the issue. You can't simply ignore a Charlie Horse. It shoots this uncomfortable painful sensation directly to the brain that says "you better ****ing do something about me you *****." Usually, a CH can be curtailed by flexing the affected muscles manually with the hand, or by standing on the foot at a weird angle. But it basically has you all ****ed up for about two minutes. You can't shave or make a sandwhich during a CH attack. The worst is when you're trying to sleep after quelling an earlier CH uprising and then they keep faking you out with little aftershocks to keep you on edge worrying all night that you're about to be attacked again. I don't have any advice for how to counter these aftershock effects -- it just sucks.
The Eye Poke:
There is something about being poked in the eye that causes the brain to switch over to auxillary mode. It's almost like a human reset button. Even though it's only an eye, your whole body becomes barely functional. You have to bend over, or sit down, or roll around on the ground. You don't keep walking to work like nothing ever happened in the two minutes after an eye poke. For starters, one of your arms becomes immediately assigned with the task of serving as belated protector of the eye almost instantly upon the poke. So, count that arm out of the equation. It's busy acting as a temporary eye patch while you try to regain computing power. At the same time, the other eye shifts into overdrive as you try to orient youself to the world again through an awkwardly painful haze. Then ususally your victimized eye starts to release tears and considerable time is spent fully regrouping. But those first two minutes are pretty terrible. The eye poke is no punk *** *****. It means business.
Did I leave any out?
The Toe Stub:
Stubbing your toe is almost like an out of body experience. As it's happening, time seems to slow down like a crash test simulation video while your toe absorbs maximum impact and then recoils in horror to a sound that lets you know instantly how totally ****ed your little world is about to become. I usually gasp. Sometimes I start agonizing in anticipation of the agony, and then it turns out to be not so bad. But then, every once in a while, a toe stub catches you so off guard and so completely by surprise, and it's the real thing, that it reminds you just how bad life can suck. You stop whatever it is you were doing, you make a hissing noise, you fall down, you grab the toe and just hold it like a shot-up movie character that can only be comforted for a minute before death, you rock back and forth, you beg for it just to be a dream, and then you suffer. There are few things that compare to a world class toe stub. I haven't had a really horrible one in a long time, but I know that it's coming. I calculate that roughly 100 minutes out of the rest of my remaining life minutes will be dedicated to writhing in pain from toe stubs.
The Charlie Horse::Flame-On:
This little bastard trots in with no warning, and in the process, causes one to focus most of the body's resources on resolving the issue. You can't simply ignore a Charlie Horse. It shoots this uncomfortable painful sensation directly to the brain that says "you better ****ing do something about me you *****." Usually, a CH can be curtailed by flexing the affected muscles manually with the hand, or by standing on the foot at a weird angle. But it basically has you all ****ed up for about two minutes. You can't shave or make a sandwhich during a CH attack. The worst is when you're trying to sleep after quelling an earlier CH uprising and then they keep faking you out with little aftershocks to keep you on edge worrying all night that you're about to be attacked again. I don't have any advice for how to counter these aftershock effects -- it just sucks.
The Eye Poke:
There is something about being poked in the eye that causes the brain to switch over to auxillary mode. It's almost like a human reset button. Even though it's only an eye, your whole body becomes barely functional. You have to bend over, or sit down, or roll around on the ground. You don't keep walking to work like nothing ever happened in the two minutes after an eye poke. For starters, one of your arms becomes immediately assigned with the task of serving as belated protector of the eye almost instantly upon the poke. So, count that arm out of the equation. It's busy acting as a temporary eye patch while you try to regain computing power. At the same time, the other eye shifts into overdrive as you try to orient youself to the world again through an awkwardly painful haze. Then ususally your victimized eye starts to release tears and considerable time is spent fully regrouping. But those first two minutes are pretty terrible. The eye poke is no punk *** *****. It means business.
Did I leave any out?
