Jokes
- Thread starter Stimpy
- Start date
You got no sole
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.
The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ' comfortable' ?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.
Come -- for -- da -- bull.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.
The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ' comfortable' ?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.
Come -- for -- da -- bull.
slavenomore
TB Legend
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Gee Boom….couldnt you show pictures of manly pizza being made served with a Hamms instead of rainbow sweets???….
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A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband:
"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?
Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"
The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says: "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying: "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?
Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies: "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says: "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says: "Don't move. I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says: "Boy that was wonderful!"
The husband says: "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says: "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror saying: "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
WAL - MART APPLICATION
This is a job application that a 75 - year - old senior submitted to Wal - Mart ...... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who’ll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President... But seriously, whatever’s available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place...
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post - it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS : 1:30 - 3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS ? :
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER ? :
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs. ? : Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR ? : I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs ?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION ? :
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE ? : On the job no, on my breaks no.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS ? : Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE ? : Yes. Absolutely.
This is a job application that a 75 - year - old senior submitted to Wal - Mart ...... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who’ll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President... But seriously, whatever’s available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place...
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post - it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS : 1:30 - 3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS ? :
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER ? :
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs. ? : Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR ? : I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs ?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION ? :
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE ? : On the job no, on my breaks no.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS ? : Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE ? : Yes. Absolutely.
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Italian Pregnancy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up telephone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him .... 'You a gonna try again.'
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up telephone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him .... 'You a gonna try again.'
As the blondes husband is going out the door to buy a pregnancy test, she yells to him.....".buy 2 of them, in case I'm having twins "