Well, I stayed on nights, I was really beating my brains out about this, its funny because I checked my loads on the last leg home and just remembered, the digging, the frustration, the anger, yes I was angry, I felt with **** poor loading, and selecting, made my job harder and it also cost me money by not being able to get the stuff off quicker, then I gave up on the incentive and made it by the hour, still, making a tough job that much tougher made me really mad.
I remember the groin pull I had for 3 months straight, every single day, I won't forget setting the wheeler down at the Hampton inn walking through the door and doubling over grabbing my nutts, just because I stepped wrong, that was so embarrassing, my bum shoulder, hands that stayed swollen, I still can't write legible, feet killing me with every step, especially walking to the back to pull the ramp...I'm a mess.
A buddy of mine told me his passion, hauling equipment and running it, I told him I wasn't sure what mine was anymore, then after all this soul searching I have figured it out, its my customers and throwing groceries, I love it! I had to admit to myself that I couldn't do it anymore unless I wanted to live in pain, believe it or not the customers and throwing almost won. I really had a moment of clarity on the way to the yard, I know this might sound stupid but I felt at peace with the decision to stay on shuttle, I really think that peace came when I finally admitted to myself that I couldn't or shouldn't do this anymore, after all I have an obligation to my family to provide an income and as much as I want to be back on days, I can accomplish that better on nights.
Its really strange, I never equated my life decision regarding work to my life of addiction, " that moment of clarity, I finally admitted ", its really amazing.
I can't do the thing I desire most because of the way I treated myself and the way I lived my life, it caught up to me before it should have, but its my fault. I feel fortunate to be able to bid nights, and I should, it wasn't always that way here.
I think when wants outweigh needs, there is a problem, I believe me coming to the decision and feeling good about it solved that problem, I think I grew up a little bit more tonight,
Thank you guys and gals, Brothers and Sisters of mine for letting me get this off my chest, YA'LL BE SLAMIN YO!!