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Off-Topic Joke Thread

[SIZE=4]A prominent politician unexpectedly dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and St. Peter meets him at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a small problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the now former senator.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "No, really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of the most beautiful golf course that he has ever seen. In the distance is the clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then retired to the club where they enjoyed caviar, prime rib and lobster, followed by the finest hand-rolled Cuban cigars and 100 year-old brandy. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and entertains them all with funny stories and jokes. They're having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven."
24 hours pass with the senator conversing with Saints and angels, moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." He thinks for a minute, then answers: "Well, I never thought I would hear myself say this, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts him, to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The elevator opens and he's in the middle of a hot, barren waste-land surrounded by mountains of rancid, festering garbage. He sees all his friends: filthy and dressed in rags, miserably picking up garbage and putting it in burlap bags. The Devil comes over to him and puts her arm around his shoulder. "I... I don't understand," stammers the senator, "when I was here yesterday there was a beautiful golf course and country club. We ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, today you voted for us!" [/SIZE]
 
THE OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
 



Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave

myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in
my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving
the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His
theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His
theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed
that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then, I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I
always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and
it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped,
but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come

and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
stolen your car."

Yep, it's the golden years.
 

Harold was an old man. He was sick
and in the hospital.There was one nurse
that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk
to him like he was a little child. She
would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
’And how are we doing this morning',


or 'Are we ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?'


Old Harold had had enough of this
particular nurse. One day, at breakfast,
Old Harold took the apple juice off the
tray and put it in his bed side stand.
Next, he was given a urine bottle
to fill for testing.

So you know where the juice went!


The nurse came in a little later, picked
up the urine bottle and looked at it.
'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. '



At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle
out of her hand, popped off the top,
and drank it down, saying,
'Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time.'



The nurse fainted!

DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE!!!!


 
A water Bed in German furniture store. Note that the sign says NOT to get on the bed, but oh well….the best way to motivate people to do something is to put up a sign saying
"Don't........!"
Turn on speakers and watch people trying out the water bed.
It's in German, but that only makes it funnier.

Watch for the last two ladies !






Real water bed - YouTube
 
2011 Tax Return



I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"



Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.[/B]
 
Are You Kathlick?

3 little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone
to play with them.They decided it was because they had not been
baptized and didn't goto sunday school.So they went to the near-
est church.But only the janitor was there!

One little boy said,"we need to be baptized because no one will
come out and play with us.Will you baptize us?"
Sure,said the janitor!

He took them into the restroom and dunked their little heads in
the toilet bowl,one at a time.Then he said,"You are now bap-
tized!"

When they got outside,one them asked,'What religion do you
think we are?"
The oldest one said,"were not Kathlick,because they pour the
water on you!" "Were not babtis,because they dunk all of you
in the water!" "Were not Metdiss,because they just sprinkle the
water on you!"
The littlest boy said,"Didn't you smell that water?" They all join-

ed in asking ,"yeah! what do you think that means?"...............

.........................."I think it means we're PISSKOPAILIANS!"
 
An acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral.

A very prestigious cardiologist dies,and was givin a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of
his life.
A huge heart,covered in flowers stood behind the casket
during the service and all the doctors sat in awe.
Folling the eulogy,the heart opened and the casket we're
rolled inside.The heart was closed,sealing the doctor in the
beautiful heart forever.

At that point,one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him,he said,"I am so sorry! I was
just thinking of my own funeral...................................

...I'm a gynecologist!" The Reverend fainted.
 
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
 
Two guys, one old, one young,are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart

when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy,

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,

and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.

I'm looking for my wife, too...

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well,maybe I can help you find her...

what does she look like?"

The young guy says,"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,with red hair,

blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,long legs,

and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."
__________________
 
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his
deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man
in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible. . .


No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...

Never mind.
 
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