Off-Topic Joke Thread
- Thread starter Wrench97
- Start date
Old lady enters the bank with $450K in cash
She says she wants to open an account and deposit the money there, and proceeds to put a big pile of bills in the counter.This catches the eye of the Banks manager, Mr Barry, who, with a smile, says he will take care of this and invites her to his office.
They start the paperwork for opening the account and the manager starts asking some questions
"Here at The Somerset Bank we are glad to have you as a client Mrs Smith, but regulations require us to investigate the origin of large quantities of money.
Would you mind telling us where it comes from?"
"It's quite simple, I'm very good at betting"
"Bets? sports betting?"
"Well, I usually bet on less common matters"
"Like what?"
"Well, maybe you’d like to go against me on one of such bets. I bet $200K that your balls are not round, they are square”
The manager is surprised by that.
“You mean my testicles??”
“Yes, your testicles, I bet $200K they are square”
The manager hesitates, he’s sure as hell his balls are not square, and she certainly has the money, so he thinks this is an easy bet to win without risking anything.
“Okay then, you got yourself a bet Mrs Smith!” And they shake hands.
The lady says: “since the amount is so high, I would like to bring a notary to witness so there’s no disputes, we will come tomorrow morning”
The manager agrees to the deal and says goodbye to the lady. That night, just to make sure, he looked at his balls in the mirror, reassuring himself as he started to think what he was going to spend the money on.
The next day, the lady appears in the office with a man accompanying him and the manager takes them to his office.
There, the lady asks him to take out his pants and underwear, and he complies, a bit nervous.
Lady says: “I’ll need to check them with my own hands, it’s a big amount of money and I need to make sure”
The manager agrees, it is a big amount of money after all.
She starts touching the balls and looking them closely and says “yes, I think they might be round”, and at the same time, the notary starts banging his head against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him!!??” asks the manager.
“I told you I was good at betting Mr Barry, I might have lost $200K to you, but yesterday I bet this guy $800K that by this morning I would have the balls of the manager of the Bank of Somerset in my own hands!!”
The secret to a long life:
A tough old cowboy from Texas counselled his granddaughter that
if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of
gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren,
25 great-great-grandchildren, and
a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A tough old cowboy from Texas counselled his granddaughter that
if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of
gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren,
25 great-great-grandchildren, and
a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
He already worked there, they fired him for taking too long for lunch.Trip I found your next job
If it helps pass the time till pizza lunch Thursday I'm all in!Trip I found your next job
A young blonde girl from California in her late teens, who moved to Texas, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby up scale neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. “Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $20 tip.
"Thank you," the gal said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus…”
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. “Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $20 tip.
"Thank you," the gal said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus…”
My family owned a British American service station. One day, an old local character was visiting. He told this story. "I was here, he said. This cat strolled in like it owned the place. You know, I don't like cats, but they have there purpose, I suppose. Anyway, to make the story longer, the cat lapped up some gasoline Ol' Roy, there, had been using the gas to clean parts from is Model "A". Seconds later the cat started to panic and run around the shop like crazy. Just as quickly as this race started, the cat suddenly stopped and fell over and lay there on its right side. There was a few moments of silence and one of the wives asked, Did the cat die? The Local Yokel said, :No, the cat ran out of gas."
That joke reminds me of a story....
My brother went down to the gas station to get some gas for his lawn mower....
He got the can out. Was filling it up and all of a sudden the overfilled and sprayed gas all up his arm....
Well he got back in the car and he was headed to home and he lit a cigarette and he caught his arm on fire.
So to try to put out the fire he rolled the window down and he was holding his arm and waving it outside there trying to put it the fire out...
Well next thing you know he's calling me to come down to the police office to bail him out. I asked him what to charge was he says I was waving a firearm out the window....
Please keep in mind, I still have room on my ignore list.
That is ok ..... I'm on a lot of ignore lists.Please keep in mind, I still have room on my ignore list.
That's why I've been very careful lately.Please keep in mind, I still have room on my ignore list.
