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Off-Topic Joke Thread

A teacher asks her class for some examples of medicines they know
Little Harry promptly raises his hands and says, "Tylenol! For headaches!"
The teacher says, "Very good, Harry, anyone else?"
Little Jenny answers from the back, "Um, Ambien, my Mom tells me it helps her sleep...?"
The teacher smiles at her and says, "Good job, Jenny," then turns to her class and goes on, "Listen here children, always be careful with medicines at home, okay? Now, does anyone else have another example?"
Little Johnny raises his hands slowly and says, "Viagra? For diarrhea?"
The teacher freezes for a second, before the rest of his statement hits her and she stammers out, "F-for diarrhea?"
Little Johnny explains, "Yeah, my Mom keeps telling my dad to take it, it'll harden his ::shit:: up."
 

A boy asks his father what's the difference between theory and practice​

The father sends him to his mother and big sister to ask them, if they would sleep with a stranger for 10.000 Dollars.
"They both said they would" reports the boy back.
"You see?" asks the father. "Theoretically we have now 20.000 Dollars, practically we just have two hookers in the house."
 
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you've got less than a year to live" she replied.
 
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said….
“Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now… I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed, and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.
So I said to my wife:
“It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very smart woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!
 
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!"

Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble! "Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells! In with the dings, out with the dongs!" She paused to wipe away a tear, "If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!!!"
 
jimmy g said:
I had to look up “Spill the Wine, take that Pearl, “ by Eric Burden and War, because those lines sounded like his song. AmazIngly, they aren’t….. (and, for the first time in my life- I read what Spill the Wine, take that Pearl meant. I had no idea……).

Click to expand...
I've got a few years on you, and that's a first for me. :poke:
 
jimmy g said:
I had to look up “Spill the Wine, take that Pearl, “ by Eric Burden and War, because those lines sounded like his song. AmazIngly, they aren’t….. (and, for the first time in my life- I read what Spill the Wine, take that Pearl meant. I had no idea……).

Click to expand...
Different songs Jimmy. Wrench's post resembles "Once in a Lifetime" by Talking Heads.
 
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