Jokes
- Thread starter Stimpy
- Start date
Sums up getting Older……..
01. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
02. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
03. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
04. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
05. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
06. Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
07. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
08. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
09. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but making everyone mad is a piece of cake!
10. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
01. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
02. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
03. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
04. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
05. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
06. Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
07. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
08. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
09. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but making everyone mad is a piece of cake!
10. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
11. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.
14. It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects.
15. I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.
16. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
17 As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy-efficient.
18. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
19. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
20. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
21. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
22. I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
23. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
24. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
25. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
26. My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
27. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.
14. It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects.
15. I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.
16. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
17 As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy-efficient.
18. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
19. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
20. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
21. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
22. I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
23. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
24. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
25. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
26. My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
27. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
Awealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, takingher poodle along for company.
Oneday the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discoversthat he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopardheading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!"Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settlesdown to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Justas the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more aroundhere?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees."Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! Thatpoodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile,a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it forprotection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees himheading after the leopard with great speed, and figures thatsomething must be up.
Themonkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikesa deal for himself with the leopard.
Theleopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his backand thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead ofrunning, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretendinghe hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enoughto hear.
"Where'sthat damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hourago to bring me another leopard!"
Oneday the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discoversthat he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopardheading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!"Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settlesdown to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Justas the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more aroundhere?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees."Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! Thatpoodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile,a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it forprotection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees himheading after the leopard with great speed, and figures thatsomething must be up.
Themonkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikesa deal for himself with the leopard.
Theleopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his backand thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead ofrunning, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretendinghe hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enoughto hear.
"Where'sthat damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hourago to bring me another leopard!"
Anold geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became verybored and decided to open a medical clinic.
Heput a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 -if not cured get back $1,000."
Doctor"Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't knowbeans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity toget $1,000.
Hewent to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.
Dr.Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can youplease help me?
Dr.Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr.Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
Dr.Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That willbe $500."
Dr.Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring torecover his money.
DrYoung: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr.Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3drops in the patient's mouth."
DoctorYoung: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"
Dr.Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That willbe $500."
Dr.Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back afterseveral more days.
Dr.Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
Dr.Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here'syour $1000 back."
Dr.Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr.Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be$500."
Moralof story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that youcan outsmart an old "Geezer "
Heput a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 -if not cured get back $1,000."
Doctor"Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't knowbeans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity toget $1,000.
Hewent to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.
Dr.Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can youplease help me?
Dr.Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr.Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
Dr.Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That willbe $500."
Dr.Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring torecover his money.
DrYoung: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr.Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3drops in the patient's mouth."
DoctorYoung: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"
Dr.Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That willbe $500."
Dr.Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back afterseveral more days.
Dr.Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
Dr.Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here'syour $1000 back."
Dr.Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr.Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be$500."
Moralof story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that youcan outsmart an old "Geezer "
- Credits
- 722
Like what?....mowing the lawn?Wondering why you don't have your azz out doing something constructive.
my wife says that to me every time she sees me on the computer reading TBWondering why you don't have your azz out doing something constructive.
- Credits
- 722
- Credits
- 722
“After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.”
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.”
A friend who was older & much wiser, gave me unforgettable advice years ago, " it's always cheaper to keep her".
Sex Therapy!
A guy goes into a sex therapist's office, lies down on the couch.
The therapist says "Tell me about your problem".
"Well", says the guy, "when I get up in the morning, my wife insists I have sex with her.
Then when I'm ready to leave for work, she makes me do it again."
"Oh", says the therapist, "I see your problem".
"Oh no, that's not my problem", says the guy.
"What is your problem?” says the therapist.
"When I get to work, my secretary is waiting naked for me, and obliges me to have sex with her. When I leave for lunch, she corners me and orders a quickie behind the filing cabinet".
"Oh, quite a problem!” says the therapist.
"Oh no, that's great!” says the guy.
"Then what's your problem?!” says the psy.
"When I leave my office, I meet my mistress and she drags me into a cheap motel room and wildly begs me to have sex with her. When we're done, we order pizza and before we leave the room, it starts again, she goes completely nuts!"
"Ah-ha! Now I see your problem", says the therapist'".
"Oh no, it's terrific sex!” says the guy. "That's not my problem".
"Then tell me about your problem!” says the therapist'.
The guy says "Well, when I get back to the office, it's just like the morning.
My secretary wants sex again right away, and before I leave at five, she jumps me again, a real vixen!”
"Mmmm... quite an unusual problem", says the psy.
"Oh no, she's delicious!” says the guy, "one in a million!".
"GASP ... then tell me about your problem!!” says the therapist'.
"Well, when I get home from work, my wife is sex-starved and says that if I expect supper, then she expects an orgasm.
At bed-time it's the same. She won't let me sleep before we have sex again."
"My goodness!” says the therapist', "you have quite a problem!!”
"Oh no, it's terrific!” says the guy, "my wife is a goddess!
Sex with her is beyond your wildest dreams!"
"THEN PLEEEEASE TELL ME WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS!!!” says the sex therapist.
The guy answers "It hurts when I masturbate!
A guy goes into a sex therapist's office, lies down on the couch.
The therapist says "Tell me about your problem".
"Well", says the guy, "when I get up in the morning, my wife insists I have sex with her.
Then when I'm ready to leave for work, she makes me do it again."
"Oh", says the therapist, "I see your problem".
"Oh no, that's not my problem", says the guy.
"What is your problem?” says the therapist.
"When I get to work, my secretary is waiting naked for me, and obliges me to have sex with her. When I leave for lunch, she corners me and orders a quickie behind the filing cabinet".
"Oh, quite a problem!” says the therapist.
"Oh no, that's great!” says the guy.
"Then what's your problem?!” says the psy.
"When I leave my office, I meet my mistress and she drags me into a cheap motel room and wildly begs me to have sex with her. When we're done, we order pizza and before we leave the room, it starts again, she goes completely nuts!"
"Ah-ha! Now I see your problem", says the therapist'".
"Oh no, it's terrific sex!” says the guy. "That's not my problem".
"Then tell me about your problem!” says the therapist'.
The guy says "Well, when I get back to the office, it's just like the morning.
My secretary wants sex again right away, and before I leave at five, she jumps me again, a real vixen!”
"Mmmm... quite an unusual problem", says the psy.
"Oh no, she's delicious!” says the guy, "one in a million!".
"GASP ... then tell me about your problem!!” says the therapist'.
"Well, when I get home from work, my wife is sex-starved and says that if I expect supper, then she expects an orgasm.
At bed-time it's the same. She won't let me sleep before we have sex again."
"My goodness!” says the therapist', "you have quite a problem!!”
"Oh no, it's terrific!” says the guy, "my wife is a goddess!
Sex with her is beyond your wildest dreams!"
"THEN PLEEEEASE TELL ME WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS!!!” says the sex therapist.
The guy answers "It hurts when I masturbate!
"Rose and Barb"
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you. ‘Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?’ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
'You're pitching Tuesday.
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you. ‘Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?’ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
'You're pitching Tuesday.
A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational!
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'
'Yes.'
'Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'I DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.
It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational!
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'
'Yes.'
'Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'I DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.