Off-Topic Joke Thread

This is a very well thought out argument.

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case
Sportsman Double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.

We drank a bit, and talked awhile, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

It's not my place to run the train

The whistle I can't blow

It's not my place to say how far

The train's allowed to go

It's not my place to shoot off steam

Nor even clang the bell

But let the damn thing

Jump the track.....

And see who catches hell!

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything-under-one-roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in Wisconsin ...'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'Son, how many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says,
'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down off the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft Cabin Cruiser. When he said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Hummer that could.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a new BOAT and a HUMMER?'

The kid said ...

'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ' "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."'
In 1978 leaving St. Louis empty, trying to get home to KC in my 68 White with a very leaky 318 Detroit, it is so bad I gotta keep it under 50 mph. When I get home, I'm gonna have it majored, but I don't want to have some mechanic take advantage of me on the road. So, I am ready for the 6 or more hour haul, nursing my baby home. About midnight I pass through Wentzville on 70, traffic is light, but steady. Everyone on the road is passing me like the wind. I notice a truck following not to far behind but not seeming to catch too quickly.
About the time we get to Wright City, he is closing on me, so I give a shout on the radio and back comes a big howdy from "Oil Can." He says he's fixin' to blow my doors off. I laugh and tell him to bring it on, I'll hold real still. Out he comes in the hammer lane and starts doing his best. By the time we get to Warrenton, he's about even with me and I notice its a Roadway Road Commode. He's giving it all he's got, but its taken 7 or 8 miles just to get this far. Side by side we go for another 20 plus miles and he ain't getting no further in front of me, but he ain't dropping back either. We get to Danville and I am thankful that Mineola Hill is just ahead. As we head down the grade, he gains some momentum and by the time we reach the bottom, I give him the lights.
He turns on his blinker and starts to move over. He moves into the lane, then off onto the shoulder off on the grassy berm across the field and into the woods. I get on the radio and ask Big R where he's going. He comes back to me and says, "My dadgum blinker stuck!"
A golfer accidentally overturned his cart. Hearing the crash, a woman who lived on the golf course came out of her house yelled over to him. "Hey, are you okay?"
"A few cuts and bruises," he said, "but nothing seems broken."
"Come up to the house and let's get some bandages," she said.
"No," he said. "My wife wouldn't like that."
"You're hurt!" she insisted. "Come in!"
She got some antiseptic and bandages and cleaned him up, but he was in obvious pain. "Do you want a drink?" she asked.
"I'd love one," he said, "but my wife would bevery unhappy."
"Nonsense!" she said, pouring a drink. "You're in obvious pain, and you need something."
As she tended to him he became aroused and she noticed. She began taking off her clothes.
"Wait!" he said. "My wife will be furious!"
"Don't be silly," she said. "You've had a trauma and this will be better than anesthesia."
Afterwards, he began to dress quickly. "Where are you running off to?" she asked.
"My wife is going to kill me!" he said.
"She'll never know anything happened," said the woman. "Where is she, anyway?"
"Under the golf cart," he said.

A man and a woman who had never met before,

but who were both married to other people,

found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!.............That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied..........'Get your own ******* blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ..............he farted.

The End
do not touch the radio!
Peppermint Taste

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.
Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"
"Wow," said The Banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied John.
"What kind of pills?" asked The Banker
"I don't know, but they've got a peppermint taste.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance."
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