His wife screams at him. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a
mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be
bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly
offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink
envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering
was collected and saw an elderly woman put the
distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went
on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000
a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends
me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is
a lot, are you sure you can afford this?
How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very
successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea
they made that much money," the pastor said.
"Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly,
"In Nevada ............. He has
two cat houses, one in LasVegas , and one in Reno ."
Enjoy life...................it has an expiration date!
[[B]SIZE=3]A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a camel!" [/[/B]SIZE]
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have been released today if I went to the jail!!"
There were five houses of religion in a small Texas town(near 511?)
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.After much prayer and
consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..
In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it..
The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,
but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after the Benghazi & IRS hearings, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a trottle of Bequila, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner ****. An telum u luvum.
Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"Sex." he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little Pal.
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
Breeding Bulls My wife and I went to the Bozeman 4H agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said.....
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow...'
The Washington Redskins are changing their name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, hatred, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, violence, counter-productivity, ill-spirit, un-Godliness, and hostility associated with their name.
From now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks onm the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my husband’s knee cap was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection.