What's new

Jokes

I was going to share the first dispatcher line.

Here is the Dispatcher Version.

A dispatcher passed away peacefully without profanity, hard drinking or abusive behavior.

He shows up in front of the Devil at the gate and wonders now what?

The devil says hes 30 minutes late and you have been dead that long. You will just have to wait.

He is finally transferred to St Peter on teleconference to see if Heaven has a load for him to dispatch. St Peter says sorry, not yet. You will have to wait. We havent gotten any Brokers here yet they have been on earth living out their lives on hold waiting on dispatchers.
 
Heres the Brokers Version.

One passed away prior to Deregulation became lawful. he showed up in front of St Peter.

Sorry Sir, youre a regulated soul. You need to meet God and see if you are in the book.

The BOOK? St Peter?

Yes the Book, you see God runs on Regulation. We dont know yet if you have been deregulated yet.

What if I was?

You get sent to the Devil.
 
A Union Man passes away after a lifetime of rich productive Satisfying decades of fulfilling labor.

He shows up in the waiting area for St Peters Gate, is handed a halo, a harp and a time clock to go with the set of frilly wings. Instructed to sing in a unmanly voice various songs praising management above.

WOT!? Aint in my contract!!! WTF!?

Oh that. The Devil has taken it. You can go see him about if if you like.
 
God has sweated six days to build the Heavens, the Earth and all the things above and below. He was tired by then.

Rested on the 7th day.

The lower management hounded God on the 8th day and demanded why he was not working on the 7th day?

Don't you know? Regulations state God was out of hours.
 
A non union driver drove to the ends of the earth trying to make a dollar. he died while pushing it too far one night.

Ends up in front of St Peter. Sees the loads of large cars and drivers lined up around Heaven.

Asks St Peter if there was any paying load in Heaven that will make him a dollar?

Peter says, sorry. But no.

Why?

Well... this is Heaven, we dont pay a damn thing. And the devil gets the rest.
 
A shipper finally died and ended up in front of St Peter.

So. Im dead. Now what?

St Peter: We dont know yet. Take a number and wait. It will be a while.

Eternity passes....

Shipper finally tires of waiting. Asks St Peter again, now what? Anything?

St Peter looks over some of the things that Heaven has and needs nothing so Shipper has nothing to ship. He has to wait some more.

(If this one fell flat, sorry about that. I tried.)
 
Dangers of a Catholic UpbringingAs I walked down a busy street, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds (you know, tattered clothing, long hair, etc.) that are found in every town these days.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling my old parish priest, Father Kurdell, who always admonished me to 'care for the sick the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and this person!'...


image002eef10fd2d926738e.md.gif
So I did...



image003.md.gif

I won't be at Mass this week
 
Stimpy said:
Dangers of a Catholic UpbringingAs I walked down a busy street, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds (you know, tattered clothing, long hair, etc.) that are found in every town these days.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling my old parish priest, Father Kurdell, who always admonished me to 'care for the sick the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and this person!'...


image002eef10fd2d926738e.md.gif
So I did...



image003.md.gif

I won't be at Mass this week
Click to expand...
See what happens when ya try to help people??
 
An older man crashed his car into a very expensive car. The owner of the expensive care was fuming mad. He told the older guy to give him ten thousand dollars in cash or he was going to kick his butt until his nose bled.
The older guy says, Hold on buddy, I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son. He trains dolphins. Just as he dials his son's number, the man snatches the phone from the old guy. When the son answers, the irate driver tells the son that his father has crashed into his car and you need to stop playing with your dolphins and bring me ten thousand dollars or I'm going to kick your butt until your nose bleeds. The son get the address and says he will be there in 15 minutes. Sure enough, in 15 minutes a black jeep pulls up, 6 guys get out. 5 of those guys go over a beat the crap outta the smart mouth guy. The 6th guy walks over to his dad and says, Seals Dad. I train Navy Seals.
 
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. bellies up to the bar and asks the bartender if he serves liberals.
The bartender rather upset, speaks sternly to the man with the alligator on a leash and states "look pal, I serve everyone"
The customer then says "I'll have a beer, some nuts and a liberal for my alligator"
 
A man in a $3,000 Armani Suit walks into a bar. Stares at the bartender and yells "I'm Captain Kidd, I'm Captain Kidd"
The bartender calmly askes the man in the suit "hay pal, if you are Captain Kidd where are your Buccaneers"
The guy in the suit says "Under my Buckin Hat"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top