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Subject: Dinner Arrangements

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and onceagain they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once againthey discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed
that they should meet at

the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eatthere in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and onceagain they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because therestaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.


10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and onceagain they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because thatwould be a great idea because they have never been there before.
 
Subject: Girls weekend Trip


Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down
and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the
bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was
sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands
over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.
He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over............On the
bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the
bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.
 
A woman who was beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.

Doctor: What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of jasmine tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."


Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with jasmine tea and gargled and nothing happened."

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
 
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the verandah table that I picked up from the post man earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the wast paper box under the table, and notice that the box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take the box to the recycling bin first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
 
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

 
Stroud and Tammy shopping at Wally World
902.jpg
 

Recently, in a large
city in France ,





a poster featuring a
young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.



It said, "This
summer,
do you want to be a
mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,
whose physical
characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,
responded publicly to
the question
posed by the
gym.


To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by
friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active
sex life,
get pregnant and have
adorable baby whales... They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing
themselves with shrimp..
They play and swim in
the seas,
seeing wonderful
places like Patagonia ,
the Bering
Sea
and the coral reefs
of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful
singers
and have even
recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no
predators
other than
humans.
They are loved,
protected and admired
by almost everyone in
the world.

Mermaids don't exist.
If they did
exist,
they would be lining
up outside the offices
of Argentinean
psychoanalysts
due to identity
crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex
life
because they kill men
who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ...
where is IT?
Therefore, they don't
have kids either.
Not to
mention,
who wants to get
close to a girl who smells
like a fish
store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a
whale.

P..S. We are in an age
when media puts into
our heads
the idea that only
skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a
good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my
friends.
With time, we gain
weight
because we accumulate
so much information and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no
more room,
it distributes out to
the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously
cultured,
educated and
happy.
Beginning today,
when I look at my
butt in the mirror I will think,







¨Good grief, look how
smart I am!¨



 
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a

Roadway Driver are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it...

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',

says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians

can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Roadway Driver says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countrys. Nothing can get in or out;

it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Roadway Driver sits down , cracks a beer, lights a cigar,

smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'
:rofl2:
 
political-pictures-michelle-obam-1.jpg

so what! the Bam graduated Harvard Law too. Where did that get us? ​
 
>Husband Down
> >A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
> >
> >'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
> >
> >'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
> >
> >'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
> >
> >A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
> >
> >'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
> >
> >'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
> >
> >Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's only half the price.'
> >
> >On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 5, we have a husband down.'
> >
> >
 
YouTube - Kseniya Simonova's Amazing Sand Drawing video shows the
winner of 2009's " Ukraine 's Got Talent," Kseniya Simonova, 24, drawing a
series of pictures on an illuminated sand table showing how ordinary people were
affected by the German invasion during World War II. Her talent, which
admittedly is a strange one, is mesmeric to watch.


The images, projected onto a
large screen, moved many in the audience to tears and she won the top prize of
about $75,000.

She begins by creating a scene
showing a couple sitting holding hands on a bench

under a starry sky, but then warplanes appear and
the happy scene is obliterated.


It is replaced by a woman's face crying, but then a
baby arrives and the woman smiles again. Once again war returns and Miss
Simonova throws the sand into chaos from which a young woman's face appears.


She quickly becomes an old widow, her face wrinkled
and sad, before the image turns into a monument to an Unknown Soldier.


This outdoor scene becomes framed by a window as if
the viewer is looking out on the monument from within a house.


In the final scene, a mother and child appear
inside and a man standing outside, with his hands pressed against the glass,
saying good-bye.

The Great Patriotic War, as it
is called in Ukraine, resulted in one in four of
the population being killed with eight
to 11 million deaths out of a population of 42 million.


Kseniya Simonova says: "I find it difficult
enough to create art using paper and

pencils or paintbrushes, but using sand and fingers
is beyond me. The art, especially when the war is used as the subject
matter, even brings some audience members to tears. And there's surely no
bigger compliment."

Please take time out to see this
amazing piece of art.
 





California Love Story








A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... She spent the next

hour just rubbing his testicles ...




Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

"Why do you love doing that?"

Because ... She Replied ...

"I Really Miss Mine"
 
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

**********************
America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

**********************

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

**********************

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.

**********************

If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and It started to sink, who would be saved? .... America !

**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

Even my spell check thinks Pelosi and Obama are wrong.
 
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