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Jay C
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Con-Way
Yellow | YRC funnies thread - add yours/keep it clean
- Thread starter mustache
- Start date
Con-Way
> >� A senior citizen drove his
> >� brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
> >
> >� Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 m.p.h..., enjoying
> >� the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
> >
> >� "Amazing," he thought as
> >� he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
> >
> >
> >Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper
> >behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.
> >
> >He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
> >
> >Suddenly he thought, "What am I
> >doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to
> >await the trooper's arrival.
> >
> >
> >Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the
> >Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my
> >shift ends in 30 minutes.
> >Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding
> >that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
> >
> >
> >The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran
> >off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back..."
> >
> >
> >"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
>
>
> >� brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
> >
> >� Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 m.p.h..., enjoying
> >� the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
> >
> >� "Amazing," he thought as
> >� he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
> >
> >
> >Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper
> >behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.
> >
> >He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
> >
> >Suddenly he thought, "What am I
> >doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to
> >await the trooper's arrival.
> >
> >
> >Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the
> >Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my
> >shift ends in 30 minutes.
> >Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding
> >that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
> >
> >
> >The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran
> >off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back..."
> >
> >
> >"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
>
>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: A good laugh.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-*****
ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
Subject: A good laugh.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-*****
ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
snake eyes
TB Veteran
- Credits
- 81
Mark was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
snake eyes
TB Veteran
- Credits
- 81
Guts vs. Balls
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after golfing all afternoon and a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after golfing all afternoon and a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after golfing all afternoon and a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after golfing all afternoon and a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death
Who says cops don't have a sense of humor?
Update: I found out this was when we first switched to digital in-car cameras from our analog system (January 2009). Our Patrol Video Unit had encouraged officers to play around with the new technology to familiarize themselves with it. This officer took those instructions to heart.
All of our patrol officers have in-car digital video cameras. We ask all of them to check those cameras at the beginning of each of their shifts to ensure they're functioning properly. At the end of their shifts, officers download all the video that was recorded onto a central server so it can be reviewed, if necessary. We found this little ditty last year and are now using it as a reminder to all officers to check their cameras at shift's start. I'm not entirely sure this officer was aware the camera was recording at the time, but he's got some interesting moves!
YouTube - Officer dance
Update: I found out this was when we first switched to digital in-car cameras from our analog system (January 2009). Our Patrol Video Unit had encouraged officers to play around with the new technology to familiarize themselves with it. This officer took those instructions to heart.
All of our patrol officers have in-car digital video cameras. We ask all of them to check those cameras at the beginning of each of their shifts to ensure they're functioning properly. At the end of their shifts, officers download all the video that was recorded onto a central server so it can be reviewed, if necessary. We found this little ditty last year and are now using it as a reminder to all officers to check their cameras at shift's start. I'm not entirely sure this officer was aware the camera was recording at the time, but he's got some interesting moves!
YouTube - Officer dance
Subject: They walk among us
Good news: It was a normal day in Sharon Springs , KS, when a Union Pacific crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina .
The Bad news: Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail.
The Good news: A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with the rules.
The Bad news: The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge with creosote ties and trusses.
The crew tried to explain to higher-ups but were instructed not to move the train!
They were instructed “The Rules” prohibit moving the train when a part is defective!
Good news: It was a normal day in Sharon Springs , KS, when a Union Pacific crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina .
The Bad news: Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail.
The Good news: A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with the rules.
The Bad news: The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge with creosote ties and trusses.
The crew tried to explain to higher-ups but were instructed not to move the train!
They were instructed “The Rules” prohibit moving the train when a part is defective!
Subject: They walk among us
Good news: It was a normal day in Sharon Springs , KS, when a Union Pacific crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina .
The Bad news: Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail.
The Good news: A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with the rules.
The Bad news: The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge with creosote ties and trusses.
The crew tried to explain to higher-ups but were instructed not to move the train!
They were instructed “The Rules” prohibit moving the train when a part is defective!
http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=48739
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast!!!!
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the
other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See?
1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and
all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See?
a,b,c,d,e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when
we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the
other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See?
1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and
all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See?
a,b,c,d,e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when
we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."
Italian Style
TB Veteran
- Credits
- 0
Teacher in a 3rd grade class asks her students if their parents bought a new bicycle, where would they hide it?
So the kids went home to think of answer to come up on their own for the next day.
The next day the teacher got all the kids to sit down, and talk about where their parents would hide a brand new bicycle.
So the teacher calls on Johnny. Johnny where would your parents hide your bicycle?
Johnny replies, the garage. My parents always want me to help clean out the garage. That would be a great place to hide a new bike.
Teacher replies, thats very good Johnny.
Teacher then asks the same question to Bobby.
Bobby replies, my basement. My Mom and Dad always want me to move around boxes in the basement. It is always dark and scairy down there.
Teacher replies, thats good Bobby.
The teacher then asks Jimmy the same question. Jimmy if your parents bought a brand new bicycle, where would they hide it?
Jimmy replies, in my Dad's pants.
Teacher asks, Jimmy what do you mean, in your Dad's pants?
Jimmy replies, I went home to ask my Dad that same question. If he bought me a brand new bicycle where would he hide it? My Dad turned around. Then puts both hands below his waist and then together. Then my Dad replies to me, "Here's your new bicycle, Jimmy!"
So the kids went home to think of answer to come up on their own for the next day.
The next day the teacher got all the kids to sit down, and talk about where their parents would hide a brand new bicycle.
So the teacher calls on Johnny. Johnny where would your parents hide your bicycle?
Johnny replies, the garage. My parents always want me to help clean out the garage. That would be a great place to hide a new bike.
Teacher replies, thats very good Johnny.
Teacher then asks the same question to Bobby.
Bobby replies, my basement. My Mom and Dad always want me to move around boxes in the basement. It is always dark and scairy down there.
Teacher replies, thats good Bobby.
The teacher then asks Jimmy the same question. Jimmy if your parents bought a brand new bicycle, where would they hide it?
Jimmy replies, in my Dad's pants.
Teacher asks, Jimmy what do you mean, in your Dad's pants?
Jimmy replies, I went home to ask my Dad that same question. If he bought me a brand new bicycle where would he hide it? My Dad turned around. Then puts both hands below his waist and then together. Then my Dad replies to me, "Here's your new bicycle, Jimmy!"
Seniors in love
An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that,
after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old goat what his name is.
An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it's wonderful that,
after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old goat what his name is.
Chinese Doctor On Exercise & Nutrition:
I Really like what this doctor has to say..!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better - everything Cow eats in one package!
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. All people who don't drink unhappy - happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger... You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: What about food additives?
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added - must be better - like fuel additive!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
I Really like what this doctor has to say..!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better - everything Cow eats in one package!
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. All people who don't drink unhappy - happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger... You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: What about food additives?
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added - must be better - like fuel additive!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!