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Off-Topic Joke Thread

A husband and wife were sitting at a table at their school reunion.
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at nearby table.

The husband asked, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes', she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I hear he took to drinking right after we split up, and he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says the husband, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And just then the fight started...
 
Here is another from the same source...............

She's single & hot.

She lives right across the street.

I happened to be outside as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway to talk to me.

She looks me in the eyes without saying a word. Finally she says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!"

I gulped.

She continued, "Are you busy tonight? ”

I quickly replied, "Nope, I’m free, I have no plans at all! ”

She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog? ”


Being a senior citizen, really sucks.
 
An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin.
Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.
What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.
It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it.
Let me know how it goes,” he said. She called the doctor the very next afternoon.
How did it go?” he asked.
Oh Jesus Doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I’m beside myself!
Oh, no! What in the world happened?” asked the doctor
Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised.
I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it.
Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging.
Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room ripped my clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!
Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Wasn’t the sex good?
Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin’ here, Doctor… I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will probably always have a limp.
 
ZekDak said:
This 1 will make u think for a min..... If you draw a ***** on a vampires face he won't know till someone tells him
Click to expand...
Hold up there Zek. All mirror jokes must have BRG's approval before being told. A small fee may also apply, but I hear that he is giving a 15% discount for the month of June. Just mention promo code ""BASTARD". LOL!!!
 
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Back in the 70s a guy in a new Vette had a flat in front of St Elizabeth’s Hospital for the mentally ill. In his haste to get back on the road he dropped the lug nuts down the sewer. He sat bewildered until a guy watching from inside the fence told him to take one nut from the other three wheels to get him on his way. The owner exclaimed, “great idea”, what are you doing in that place. The patient replied, “I’m crazy, not stupid”.
 
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