Off-Topic Joke Thread

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.



No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?



He consulted his wizards and magicians.. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth..

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.




But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted..
The prince went away sadly.


The second prince brought diamonds.


He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.


The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red

.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.


And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed!


And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.



Question: What was in the prince's pants?












M&M's of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
 
The Nurse
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with a ruptured appendix.
The doctors operated and, after recovery, assured him that all went well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might require a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.....if at all.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon.....from the nurse in the Corvette you pulled over last week."
Kinda brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?
 
Love The Drunk People !

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.


The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re member about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
 
Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.



A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the Tennessee.
 
l

Thought you would enjoy this one.




The Washcloth

Ladies, this has to be read, laughed at, and passed on. There is not a woman alive who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor.

Ever.
 
funny-animated16.gif
 
To; All Employees

From; Management

Subject; Reduction in Personnel (RIP)

Due to recent court decisions, immediate steps are being implemented to reduct the number of older employees and retain the younger, lower paid employees through this program.

This program, to phase out the older personnel through early retirement, will be known as **** (Retire Aged People Early).

Employees who are ***** can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called SCREWED (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees whe have been ***** or SCREWED may file an appeal called SHAFT(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under terms of this new policy, employees may be ***** once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as often as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to AIDS(Adjusted Income for Demoted Servants), or HERPES(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel for Early Severance). Employees with AIDS or HERPES will no longer be ***** or SCREWED.

The company wishes to assure the younger employees who remain that the company will continue it's policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our ::shit::(Special High Intensity Training) program. The company takes pride in the amount of ::shit:: our employees receive. We have given our employees more ::shit:: than any other company anywhere in the world. If any employess feels that he/she does not receive enough ::shit:: on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure you receive all the ::shit:: you can stand.

Remember.....................WE ARE FAMILY.
 
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through".

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
 
A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting
firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the
stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice
and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an
old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're
not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's
hand and said........

"Nope...You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"
 
Road prostitutes in Spain don traffic jackets
AP
MADRID – A Spanish mayor says roadside prostitutes working outside his northeastern town have begun wearing reflective vests to avoid police fines.

Jose Maria Bea said some 10 prostitutes at a highway roundabout near Els Alamus began donning the phosphorescent green garments this month after police started fining them euro40 ($56). That's the amount anyone in Spain can be fined for standing or walking along a highway, such as during a vehicle breakdown, for not wearing the high-visibility vest.

Bea said it was dangerous for both the women and motorists if the prostitutes couldn't be seen clearly.

Sex is a huge industry in Spain. Pimping is illegal but prostitution is not, although some cities restrict or ban it in public areas.
 
Wrench97
Do they wear anything else or just the vest?

yo-ho-1600-telegraph-thumb-717x477.jpg



340x.jpg

many of them estimated, at 300,000
are working moms​
 
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