Off-Topic Joke Thread

Doctors:


(A)

The

number of physicians in the U.S.

is


700,000.


(B)

Accidental deaths caused by Physicians


per year

are


120,000.


(C)

Accidental deaths per physician

is


0.171


(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services)


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Now think about

this:


Guns


(A) The

number of gun owners in the U.S.


is


80,000,000.


(Yes, that's 80 million)



(B) The number of

accidental gun deaths


per year, all age

groups,


is


1,500.


(C) The

number of accidental deaths


per gun

owner


is


.000188


(Statistics courtesy of the FBI)



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


So, statistically, doctors

are approximately


9,000 times more

dangerous than gun owners.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Remember: "Guns

don't kill people, doctors do."


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


FACT: NOT

EVERYONE HAS A GUN,


BUT


Almost everyone has

at least one doctor.


This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor than a gun owner!!!


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Please alert your

friends


to this


alarming

threat.


We must ban

doctors


before this gets

completely out of hand!!!!!


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Out of concern for the

public at large,


I withheld the

statistics on

lawyers


for fear the shock

would cause


people to panic and

seek medical attention!
 
A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up

a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just

started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you

want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about

global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled

smugly "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you

a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -

grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat

patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The

legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks

about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl

replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal

health care, or the economy, when you don't know ::shit::?" And then she went back to reading her book.
 
SATAN

A few minutes before the church services started,
the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
 
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear,

Sir?'

'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!
 
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, ‘and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. 'And every now and
then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
 
To Be 6 Again!


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake..

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you @*#*! ******!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
 
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked

her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher
responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite’.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good
manners?'

Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
introduce you to after dinner.'


The teacher fainted
 
Do you know why a woman doesn't need to wear a watch? Theres already a clock on the stove!:biglaugh:PS: Don't tell this one to your wife.



The Burger King got arrested last night!!! Seems he tried to put his big whopper in Wendy's hot and juicy!!!:biglaugh::hysterical:
 
Ingredients In Viagra!

I knew it......I knew it!

I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra!


3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
 
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