I KNEW IT......I AM being followed!
Yellow | YRC funnies thread - add yours/keep it clean
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I KNEW IT......I AM being followed!
truckchick1
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The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else', said the madam..
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a
visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it
to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as
she was too expensive.
There were no discounts.
The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row.. Where are you from?'
The man replied, ' Ontario .'
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I'm her attorney. She
asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else', said the madam..
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a
visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it
to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as
she was too expensive.
There were no discounts.
The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row.. Where are you from?'
The man replied, ' Ontario .'
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I'm her attorney. She
asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLDAND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was
going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on
in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police,
who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should
lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.. Then he
phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing
things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about
them now because I just shot them." And he hung up..
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people
Live well, laugh often, love much!!!
**A woman is like a teabag - only in hot water do you realize how
strong she is.**
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was
going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on
in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police,
who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should
lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.. Then he
phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing
things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about
them now because I just shot them." And he hung up..
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people
Live well, laugh often, love much!!!
**A woman is like a teabag - only in hot water do you realize how
strong she is.**
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife
went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor
was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was
no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a
lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see
what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the
world. Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a
rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one
coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a
baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down
there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few
minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a
hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet
another one coming!" cried the doctor. The redneck
scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor
was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was
no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a
lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see
what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the
world. Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a
rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one
coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a
baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down
there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few
minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a
hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet
another one coming!" cried the doctor. The redneck
scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,¹ who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree. The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this) The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
(You gotta love this) The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
Having already downed a few
power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and
said, 'Listen here, Good Looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your
place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,
sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to
me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with
interest, he responded, 'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you
with!
power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and
said, 'Listen here, Good Looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your
place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,
sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to
me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with
interest, he responded, 'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you
with!
Out-Smart a woman?... Are you kidding?
A man calls home to his wife and says,? Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend? And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says,'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass,
and a few Pike. He asked why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you
to do?
*** You'll love the answer! ***
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box!"
Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!!!
A man calls home to his wife and says,? Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend? And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says,'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass,
and a few Pike. He asked why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you
to do?
*** You'll love the answer! ***
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box!"
Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!!!
SickWithIt
TB Lurker
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Cedrick The Entertainer
Barry white looking dude is "Cedrick The Entertainer" he a
very funny comedian and actor (double treat). Rent the
"KIngs of Comedy" he is one of four Black comedians that
will have you laughing tears, yes that funny! SWt
Barry white looking dude is "Cedrick The Entertainer" he a
very funny comedian and actor (double treat). Rent the
"KIngs of Comedy" he is one of four Black comedians that
will have you laughing tears, yes that funny! SWt
Chicago Roadway
TB Veteran
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[YT]q4royOLtvmQ&feature=related[/YT]
You can always use more Cow Bell
You can always use more Cow Bell
imported_weave
TB Lurker
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i need more cowbell. don't fear the reaper. loved that one.
I would have to shoot myself if I married a guy that screams like this...infact, I'd shoot myself twice just to make sure I was dead. But pretty funny non the less.
Two thumbs up: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
joshracing11
TB Lurker
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funny stuff.
truckchick1
TB Veteran
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FOUND ON CRAIGS LIST
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend and me, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't it?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto: An armed society makes for a more civil society
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend and me, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't it?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto: An armed society makes for a more civil society
imported_weave
TB Lurker
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blonde joke anyone??
Blondes Are The Best!!!
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the
next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for
hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough
of this". She
goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband
says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see
how THEY like it!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat
for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would
reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her
shoulder
or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are
you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out
of my pouch, about
half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those
nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a
drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night
with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the
emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit *******,'
the blonde
replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit ******* by
shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my
chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants..
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just
paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the
mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is
going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I
pulled the trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. Theshop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided
to have some fun.. He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees
and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a
little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you
doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to
blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The
roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the
windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny
silver thermos She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and
took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a
thermos..... It keeps hot
things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's
amazing....I'm going to buy
it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her
boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a
thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and
cold things cold,' she replied.. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in
it?'
The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
+++++++++++++
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call
saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go
home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind
off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A
couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks
out
from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call
from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
Blondes Are The Best!!!
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the
next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for
hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough
of this". She
goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband
says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see
how THEY like it!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat
for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would
reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her
shoulder
or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are
you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out
of my pouch, about
half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those
nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a
drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night
with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the
emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit *******,'
the blonde
replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit ******* by
shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my
chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants..
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just
paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the
mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is
going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I
pulled the trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. Theshop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided
to have some fun.. He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees
and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a
little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you
doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to
blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The
roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the
windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny
silver thermos She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and
took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a
thermos..... It keeps hot
things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's
amazing....I'm going to buy
it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her
boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a
thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and
cold things cold,' she replied.. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in
it?'
The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
+++++++++++++
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call
saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go
home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind
off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A
couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks
out
from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call
from my sister. Her mother died, too!'